a weekend of unexpecteds... [ 2010-07-04, 11:00 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well it was decided that I was going up to the lake on Friday. I caught a ride with my friend JJ which always makes it easier. We enjoyed the ride and stopped for lunch, and got to the lake in the late afternoon.

There were only a few of us there on Friday... it was a good evening and I had plucked a meal out of the freezer I made some time ago. It seemed to have survived and was overall good.

And, the unexpected part: there is a guy named Roc who I have seen at the lake for almost a year. He is pretty good looking, mostly because his body is muscular with very little body fat... and his face ain't bad either. The women are always after him and you can trust that one or another of them will be pressed up against him at any given moment. When I first met him it was in my town and I thought, that guy is so cute, I would totally kiss him if he didn't smoke. I have seen him many times since then and we have hung out a bit, had some cool conversations and he has even gifted me with some bits and pieces from nature that I have liked very much. But usually we are interrupted by some other woman coming up, or the kids, who love him, or the teens, who think he's cool. So he's very hard to get alone.

In any case I never thought much about him, just figured he was a player of some sort. On Friday afternoon we were hanging out talking about various crystals and things and he said something so funny, I just kissed him on the cheek really close to the mouth. Not overtly sexual either (I thought) because sometimes people at the lake just kiss each other on the cheek because we all just like each other so much... in any case he looked kind of awestruck. At nighttime I got the feeling that we were both just waiting for everybody else to go to bed so we could be alone.

And so he confessed his undying like for me and thus tried to make out with me... I was kind of shocked and told him so. He told me this whole story about how he likes me so much and has wanted to be with me for a long time, but he wants to be the only man in my life and he was so relieved to hear that I broke it off with Shelby (he doesn't really know any details of Shelby, only that there was another guy and I was instigating a separation with him). It all kind of rattled my brain because I never had ANY inkling that Roc thought I was anything special- he has so many people that want something from him, but also he treats everybody the same and is just nice to everybody. He said he is really bad at the whole initiating thing. I told him I definitely like his energy and am willing to try it out, but I need to feel him more, feel how he feels about me more. And, I told him the smoking was a big block for me. He told me he has been working on quitting for a long time, and is down to 5 cigarettes per day from 2 packs per day. I said I didn't want him to do anything for me and then resent me for it, but I didn't like the taste of cigarettes and that was that. He is still interested.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel. One, I just realized while I was writing this that he is probably a perfect reflection of me- everybody thinks he's cute and exciting but it's confusing as to who he really likes and what he is doing. Maybe I flirt too much and it confuses people, I dunno. Also, it is very rare indeed that I meet a single man who is completely unattached and talking about how he wants to be monogamous with me. Holy crap! Might as well give it a shot and see what's there. I am also kind of amazed that all these good looking guys are coming out of the woodwork- first W and now Roc... I don't know... and, I don't necessarily feel like I have to choose either one of them or it's the end of the world if I don't end up with somebody right now. I do want to be with someone but I want to be with the right someone.

In any case it was nice to be admired. I told him I didn't want everyone there knowing our business since I am a pretty private person, so we didn't overdo it on the affection, but I think people figured it out anyway. The lake is a terrible place to try to keep secrets. We did get a little time away when we drove to the hardware store, he held my hand, wants to kiss me a lot. The second night I agreed to sleep in his bed, just sleep- the cuddling was nice but he snores terribly. Unfortunate. Not a quite sleepy bear like Shelby.

I am still thinking about everything. Like a typical guy Roc thinks if he could just make love to me I would feel some magical thing and that would do it. He has a little bit to learn in that regard, but he is an incredibly sweet person- a beautiful heart. That's why I am willing to give him a chance.

In the meantime everytime he saw me coming, if he happened to have a cigarette in his mouth he would put it out right away. On Saturday he told me he smoked 2 and a half...

I came home today and he didn't call (disappointed in that). This is the problem. He thinks he can woo me like a teenager instead of like a man.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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S DUCKIE
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