#2

So just feeling like continuing the stream of thought this morning...

Roc didn't call last night and I was a very good girl and didn't call him or post anything on his FB! Ha! Even though I did want to talk to him yesterday I did not make a move... I can see where my old patterns kick in, and even though our yesterday morning conversation was a little bit stilted, I get a little "addicted" to having someone to talk to... so maybe I am lonelier than I thought. I kinda wanted Roc to cure my boredom yesterday, but he wasn't around. Instead I IM'd another guy I know from the lake on FB all day. I am turning into a real FB whore!

And then last night I came home and made two CDs for friends and started ticking things off the packing list... I have some more errands to run today including getting my eyebrows done... then to work at the pt job so I can fulfill my contract of 20 hours this week. Luckily, I don't have to stay as long as I did yesterday (9 hours)!

I did speak with Pandora last night, she said she was missing me and wanting wanting to talk to me... I am pretty much coming to the conclusion that I may be what one describes as bicurious or bisexual but I am most certainly NOT gay. Pandora defines herself as gay (even though she is married and still in good relation to her husband). And the difference between her and me is that she strongly desires that emotional component between two women; she wants to talk on the phone and flirt and whatever else. That is okay with me but really doesn't provide the rush of when I do it with a man. And basically I am attracted to women and want to have good emotional and physical connection with them, but the emotional part feels totally different... the dating stages don't feel the same. Even when I was with Grace, of course I liked talking to her on the phone and stuff but there wasn't the PRESSURE that I feel with Pandora- and maybe that's just Pandora... I think she might lose herself and get extremely giddy and that feels scary to me, like she's not even responsible for herself... a good reflection for me overall, because I wonder if that's the way I've been coming across all these years?

In any case, I can't figure it out, if that's the way I feel about all women or just this woman, and I'm sure there'd be some upset gay women that would say I'm just a poser of some sort, but whatever, it's my diary. The truth is I have always been physically attracted to women, I have had a number of physical experiences with them, but maybe not so much emotional connection. Does that make me not bi? Too many labels.

So with that question floating about I am going to tend to the tasks of the day, cleaning up more here and gathering what I need to be on my way... most likely will update later as well.

Love,
Duck

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