intimacy [ 2010-08-01, 6:49 p.m. ]

Okay Diary,

I've been trying to write an entry for about two days now, but struggling. So I'm just going to see what I can get down here before I have to go to work, and that will have to do for now. I can add and embellish points later.

Roc and I had our date on Friday. He showed up with his daughter. There were original plans that she would go hang with some younger people we know from the lake, but that didn't happen. So instead she and another guy, he's in his 20s I think, hung out with us all day. We went to a museum, shopping, lunch, more shopping. Then departed from the young guy and Roc, daughter and I went home to my neighborhood for a late dinner. One bad thing about that was they ordered a dessert which took about 45 minutes to get to the table and by that time I was exausted and on the verge of grouchiness. Let's just say I was on the verge of one of my adrenal episodes and it wasn't pretty.

By the time we got home, tucked the kid into bed and whatever, it was about midnight and of course Roc wanted to fool around but I did not have the energy. I'd been up the night before till 1:30am, gotten up at 7am, worked and walked around town all day.

He seemed understanding and we kissed a bit- I told him I was having a hard time relaxing. I feel a lot of pressure around the fact that he expressed a desire to be in a monogamous relationship with me- and I think the problem is I took that to mean he wants to be EXCLUSIVE asap. So I told him I normally date someone for a few months before making the decision to be exclusive and I wanted to be casual right now. He said he was okay with that but (and I'm going to paraphrase right here) that he doesn't want to invest his energy in something if some other guy is getting something he's not. That to me shows a lack of maturity around understanding women right there... obviously if, for example, I've been seeing Shelby for one year already and we have established a foundation of communication and trust, I'm going to be ready to sleep with him a lot sooner than somebody I've only had one date with. I didn't point that out, instead I put my earplugs in and went to sleep. In the morning I felt something poke, poke poking me on the face, arms and chest. Roc was kissing me awake. It's not as romantic as it sounds when you're an insomniac and every speck of sleep counts. He started touching me all over but I feel totally shut down and not able to open to him at all. There's some way where it feels to me that he doesn't understand just grabbing my nipples is not going to turn me on- it takes some kissing and sweet words and maybe breathing on my neck but he just moves too FAST.

I don't want to be a big complainer and I really WANTED this to be better than I feared... on top of all these things that just feel WRONG for me somehow, I just get confused about if I am being picky or if my points are valid.

And, I called M today. But I'll have to write more about that later.

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