Dear Diary,

So why I called M...

Because I thought, for a minute, that maybe something WOULD work out for Roc and me... but in my heart of hearts I knew that it was not the same chemistry and, well, I kind of want to make sure that it's really OVER, that there's really no possibility of anything happening with M. Even though I have been to hell and back with grief and whatever else about him leaving me.

So yesterday I called, he didn't pick up but I left a message- that I sent him a card and a package and I didn't know if he'd gotten it, that I was wondering if he was willing to speak to me, if he didn't want to speak to me directly he could leave me a message at my other number. That was it. Of course I was a little bit nervous leaving the message because what do you say to someone that you loved so much and that frankly you were shattered by the loss of them for years...

And then, I guess I kind of forgot. I remembered a couple of times but I didn't obsess about it. After work I even came home and thought briefly that I should check my message phone, but I was so tired and just figured I'd do it in the morning (just checked- nothing there). It's very possible that I will hear nothing back from him at all, or when I do all his defenses will be up and he will come across as arrogant. I guess I'll just prepare myself for either of those possibilities.

I know now that I could never fall in love with Roc as my man, he is just too guarded in his own self and I would need somebody that is doing his own work for real and able to look at himself realistically... Roc acts like he can teach me and show me the world - which some parts he can... he is a little less than 10 years older than me... but the truth is I have studied more than him and done a lot more personal growth work than he has, that's just a fact yet he makes a show of emphasizing we are on the same "level" all the while not really understanding what I'm talking about and being too afraid to ask... that to me is not personal growth, it's pretending... and how I could be in a relationship with someone, I don't know...

Also the other morning when he was in my bed and it became obvious that he was not going to get me turned on, he basically asked if I could do something for him so he could have some "release". That almost makes me embarrassed to write it-- however I know he hesitated to ask, part of me feels I should have become indignant and had some snappy response (can hear Gail in my head right now), but truthfully I gues it was just another woeful sign that he really is more like a 20 year old than a full adult and he REALLY doesn't understand women's sexuality. I patiently explained that I could do that but it would be more like a duty and my heart would not be in it- god like we'd been married 40 years instead of basically on a first date... most likely I figure that because he is good looking and has a great body that women have always just done whatever for him... I'm not like that- maybe I used to be, but not anymore.

So I thought maybe he would just blow me off completely, but on Saturday night when he went home he basically waited all night to chat with me on FB... so I don't know. He just doesn't match with what he says, i.e. saying that sex was not the priority and was just icing on the cake, yet it becomes priority for him to have relief. And we are just too different in our lifestyles- he drank two beers at lunch and a jack and coke at dinner; he didn't smoke all day when he was with me but he still smelled like a smoker for the most part and I know he was jonesing for a cigarette all day. He is happy communicating via text and IM and I long for a different kind of contact. I feel like there are too many things that would have to change about him for me to be happy, and that's just not fair. He would have to grow up a whole lot and basically change his lifestyle... I guess I wanted the sweetness of a partner and was
trying to figure out how I could fit him there, but
it's not going to work.

My basic plan was to just not bother trying to get him to call me, to treat him like W and leave the initiating up to him- guys like that burn out on their own, most likely because they are used to women doing all the work of holding it together.

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