Hey Diary,
I don't know why but I just woke up feeling terrible this morning. I had a hard time falling asleep, and set my alarm early, but just kept hitting my backup snooze alarm.
I decided to just work today as much as I can stand it so I will have enough money in my account to pay some bills. Because I was gone, I will not have quite as many hours as I usually do. It is already not enough money, but I guess I shouldn't complain. Last night I went to dance class and Emily told me that I make the same rate as Terry makes. I don't know how anyone could survive on such a salary.
In any case, I am not going to dance class tonight because I will be working. I thought I might have a client appointment but that was canceled.
After class last night I came home and I suppose I should have gone to bed at 10 or 10:30 but I really wanted to watch True Blood online. So I did, I also checked my FB and Roc was on there and he started to IM me. I know I should have put my settings on invisible, I don't really get much from interacting with him this way, but I guess I was feeling lonely so... we chatted for awhile but it was pretty obvious to me from his response time and very short phrases, that he was most likely chatting with someone else. That's okay because I am over it and I was busy watching True Blood anyway. At 11 I told him I was going to bed (even though there was still 20 more minutes of the show to watch) and he said he was too. That was a lie anyway, I had to go back on at 11:30 to check one thing and he was still online with his green dot going strong. FB makes us all into liars, doesn't it?
And, here's all the updates:
1. No word from M whatsoever.
2. Also no word from W. Our last correspondence was in late June, in which he begged me to see him face to face- I said okay, he said he would contact me in a couple weeks? Well now it's August. I have good reason for not trusting him- despite what he says, if he were really that interested, he would have called and let me know that plans were delayed, etc. At this point, whatFUCKINGever, dude.
3. Yesterday I IM'd with Jerry on FB. He is his usual self and sweet to me and I bear him no ill will. He says he is constructing a plan for a new business venture that should make him happy and he would love my help. We talked about maybe seeing each other this weekend but I take it all with a grain of salt. I think Jerry is a sweetheart but lacks the ability to make things happen in three dimensional reality.
4. Whilst IMing with Jerry, or immediately sometime afterward, I get an FB message from Smitten: "Hi! Are you smiling that pretty smile of yours? :-) Hope so!" Alright... Dude, give me a FUCKING BREAK. I have not heard from this guy in over a year. This is the guy that made me think we were going to attempt to have a relationship- he asked that I get STD tests, which I did. He asked that I get a Skype app on my phone so we could talk all the time, which I did... then he promptly disappeared and would not respond to any of my communications. Now he thinks with some flattery and a fucking smiley face he can re-engage me in his rigamorale?! Fuck off! He also wrote a comment on one of my photos: "nice boobs". Great- so mature.
5. One of the nicest moments of the day- Shelby called. He and his wife had just packed up his apartment and were moving to their new place. I had left him a message a few days ago, and he didn't have time to talk yesterday but he was just calling me to let me know he got my message and that he looks forward to talking to me later this week. See, that's how a real adult does it.
So, something to ponder: aside from Shelby, why does the primary type of man I attract tend to be the immature one who can't communicate what he's feeling or what's happening, the one that disappears? If I am to believe that this is somehow a reflection of me, where is this part of me that acts like this? Shelby has to be a reflection of me too, but right now I am just angry and sad that this keeps happening, and I can't seem to find my way out of it. What part of myself is immature in relationship? What part of me disappears?
I take full responsibility, and, I'm tired of it.
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