#2

Dear Diary,

This is where it gets tough for me- the nighttime, coming home, the times when I am alone and I long for a friendly voice. I guess I really do want someone who will listen to me, who cares about my day and how I feel and what I think... my mistake is, I choose the wrong people, or I start to believe that the men in my life are capable of such things.

So I am trying something new. One, I blocked Roc from my FB chat whatever not to be cruel, but for my own protection. Because I am unhappy. I wish we could talk on the phone. I want a man to miss me, pursue me, call me... I want to feel wanted. Chat is too easy- oh I'm online, you're online, let me prattle on about nothing while I'm doing ten other things... it's not real connection. I think maybe I should take a break from FB in general because I've been on there way too long... but I get exceptionally bored at work! But my point being, that every time I fold and accept what I do not want, ie mindless chatting, I then feel like I have given up a piece of myself somehow, that I have compromised and settled for crumbs.

Two, this is normally the part where I would reach out... call, text, message somehow... but I'm restraining myself. I've done this game already, so many times. With men that have a passing interest in me, or they are lazy or something... but there's a way the game shifts, from them pursuing me to them sitting back and letting me chase them. And I hate to be there. Nothing makes me feel smaller, more vulnerable, more ridiculous. I just can't do it anymore. I want a man who's hungry for me, what can I say?

So I guess tomorrow will be an FB-less day... what makes a person more curious than when you're not online at all?

And, I just have to be involved in my own life. So rather than reaching out for Roc, I called one of the women from the seminar I attended last week... there were about 20 people in that seminar, so that's a lot of people to call and check in with! It can keep me busy.

Tonight I went to dance class and then out to dinner with Emily. I paid my own way and she let me, I guess she is a bit worried about money since she wasn't working for six months and also now she is buying a house. She is going to see Mr. G-- I guess she is confused and afraid, they are still "dating" even though he refuses to live anywhere else, get married or have children, and now she is officially buying a house here... doesn't it seem like a good idea just to give it up? But she keeps saying, in a really whiny voice, "...but I love him..." Oh sister, I know. Been there. I wish you well.

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