judgments and apologies [ 2010-08-07, 1:26 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Yesterday after work I went to dance class, and then last minute it was decided that I would meet up with B and his girl.

Let me just confess that I folded on the Roc thing- and here is what happens: I start to get worried that I am a mean person and maybe I have been sending confusing messages. For one thing, Roc has the kind of personality that invites a lot of teasing and joking. But when we were out on Friday the other guy from the lake said to me, "You've been judging him all day." Which gave me pause and I felt quite awful because it was indeed true. I think I felt so much pressure because Roc expressed such an immediate and intense interest in me, that I was struggling to figure out if he actually did fit in my life and what I would need to change about HIM to make that happen. I can imagine that it didn't feel good to Roc either, especially with the added request to stop smoking. So part of me feels like I have been a shit, even though there are glaring things that point to why we won't work anyway, that is no reason for me to be judgmental of a person.

In any case, then as usual I start to worry about the other person and what they are feeling and thinking and maybe I have hurt them or they are interpreting my messages as slights against them. So I feel compelled to send them some sign that I still care about them. This is a conundrum that I play out over and over again, because then whatever I do to reach out (a phone call or email or whatever) I then see as extremely needy and feel deeply vulnerable and ashamed.

But. I did it again. I thought maybe Roc was interpreting my actions as cruel and figured I should let him know, even subtlely, that I still felt good feelings about him (is that even true? I don't know. I just get caught in my own patterns and ways of thinking). In any case I wrote him a FB message saying, "What are you doing this weekend?" it wasn't long before he wrote back that he didn't really have any plans, maybe he would go swimming and he and his daughter were looking at some movies. That was it, and it sent me into a spin. He didn't ask me what I was doing, he didn't open up the invitation to do something together. I also have become convinced that now he has also taken me off his chat feature. Yes, I know I did it to him first... and for me it brings up all my crazy feelings of rejection. And makes me feel like a horrible person, because maybe I did hurt his feelings.

In any case I had a mad rush of emotion around it yesterday, feeling awful and then I told myself that it doesn't pay to get upset when there are parts of him that are very childish and it wouldn't work anyway. But now I'm feeling like I owe him an apology but I will wait a few days... also I am aware that I might apologize but he will lack the ability to understand exactly what I'm talking about.

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