Dear Diary,

Just a quick recap because I need to sleep:

Did not sleep well last night, woke up miserable. I was supposed to go meet Marva and Bethany at Bethany's new apartment... I'm so sorry I had to expose them to my miserable self. I took the bus down there, it's quite a haul to Bethany's new place, met them and they were just asking me too many questions: What do you want to eat? What do you think about this? Blah blah blah?? I'm not kidding they must have asked me five questions when I got off the bus. When I am tired I can't stand people asking me questions, it feels intrusive. I know they wanted to include me in the decision making process but I just needed NOT to be asked anything.

We got some food and I was feeling a bit better. We walked to Bethany's new place. There are some really beautiful houses near her new apartment building. Her new place is also cheerier than the last: there is a lot more light and it just feels more spacious. We spent some time there and had a snack. I told them about my date with Roc and they both agreed it was pretty ridiculous to bring a teenage girl on an overnight and expect sex... they agreed he is a ridiculous man.

Marva also has a new man in her life that I guess she has known only a month and he has already moved into her place. Marva never ceases to amaze me with her crazy decisions. I don't know what to say since I haven't met the guy yet, but we shall see how this one works out.

I received a text from a friend of mine from the lake, her name is Annie and she texted me that she was on the bus and would be at my place in 4 hours... ugh... okay? I was totally shocked because she and I had had a conversation on FB and she asked if she could stay over on the 9th and I thought she was referring to the 9th of September... well no she meant today. Luckily my house is still fairly clean and I had no plans... so I left with Marva, we parted, I went to the grocery store and then home... okay here is the bad part...

I called Roc. I felt like I had to call him for the following reason: I was supposed to go to a girlfriend's this weekend and a bunch of girls were invited, including Marianne, Roc's roommate... but today I got an email from said friend saying she was canceling the girls' weekend because she wasn't feeling well. Marianne wrote an email that we could have the meetup at her place. That just felt weird. So I called Roc to tell him about all that and ask if he would be okay if I hung out with Marianne, with the understanding that I wouldn't talk about him/us because I didn't want to get in the way of whatever was going on with them.

He thought that was very sweet of me to check in. It's just been bad enough for me with the triangulation. And, unfortunately, because I am weak, I might have said I missed him and that I wanted to get together... I don't know why I said that because as soon as I said that missing part I felt like it wasn't even true. It was like some bodysnatcher took over my body, I swear. It must be my inner child or something and she's CRAZY.

In any case he said he was committed to an event at the lake, but maybe there was a way I could meet them there on Friday, he told me to call him tomorrow and we would figure it out.

I hung up the phone not knowing what the hell I am doing with my life. I am maybe doing things I shouldn't but somehow they make me feel better.

A bit later Shelby called me, it was good to hear his voice. I asked how he is and he says he is stretched... I said when are you ever not... he said well you've only known me a year, and I said, happy anniversary! Haha. He apologized for not calling me last week, they have just moved in. And he was calling to see if I would have time to talk tomorrow. I said yes. He asked how my day was and I said I was very grouchy because I hadn't slept well, he suggested things were shifting and getting better and that whenever I go into "fight or flight" I don't sleep. I said I'd never thought about it that way and he asked if anything had happened that made me think I was going to die. All that came up was I haven't really slept since Friday and Friday was the day I messaged Roc on FB and asked him what he was doing for the weekend, and his response sent me into upset. So maybe Shelby has a point. I've suspected a connection between sleeplessness and abandonment (it definitely started with Frank leaving and worsened with M leaving) but never really monitored these other factors such as Wisconsin, Smitten, Roc et al... I always thought of those two main guys. So something to notice especially since even feeling that something with Roc might still be open even though I KNOW he's totally wrong for me.

And with that, maybe I'll sleep now.

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