Dear Diary,

If you are worried about me, don't be. I am just fine. I know that I am doing non-sensical things, but I am fine nonetheless.

Mostly I am just watching myself. I watched myself get Roc on the phone and say things that are not, from my core, necessarily true. But I also watched how those things calmed me- how repairing whatever rift in whatever "relationship" we had/have, actually felt like it brought me peace. I listened when Shelby said my sleeplessness is connected to panic, fight or flight.

And so here I am. And part of me believes nothing in that realm (Roc) is going to change, but it's all okay because I'm watching it now. I'm watching this intense fear that lives in my body and is unearthed in times of relationship. That losing a connection, even if it's not significant or even beneficial to me, induces an incredible amount of fear. All I can think is that something very traumatizing must have happened to me as a child.

I'm sure Roc is just another teacher, another stepping stone in my learning of who I am. And how lucky I am that I have recognized this in a whole new way... and separated myself enough from it that at times I can remember it's not actually true. Even though there are plenty of times when it does feel real and true, and scary. Okay. It's a landscape I am learning how to negotiate.

Yesterday I was at the pt job far too long. I had a stomachache since the day before, because I accidently ate something with wheat in it. Yes, I have realized the wheat allergy is for real... just in case I had any doubts. I was at the health food store and plucked one of the pizzas from the gluten free section- took it home and ate it- well to find out it does have wheat flour in it! Even though on the box it says cornmeal crust and it was in the gluten free section! Damn. It sat in my stomach like a rock, actually my stomach still kind of hurts.

That made my whole day not so great, and I couldn't eat much besides cereal. Then work itself sucked. First of all I can finish all my tasks in the first 30 minutes of being there. Then I really have nothing to do except look busy, which is a drag. Then the owner of the company kept sending me all these stupid emails. Stupid because he wants all these reports, but really he is not a good businessman and doesn't understand numbers so well so he's basically asking for the same information over and over again, in different ways. Also he asks for useless information. He doesn't understand that it's ridiculous to ask for the "average" income of the company for the past 7 months when we had two really good months that tilt that number, because the reality is that for the other 5 months the numbers were exceptionally low. Plus he had all the figures in front of him, if he wasn't so lazy he could just add them up and divide them by 7 and he'd have the average himself. Also he doesn't seem to understand the severity of the debt the company is in, and we are paying such high finance charges that there is no way we are making any headway with debt. Plus he keeps giving me his personal banking to figure out, but he doesn't keep track of it himself, has no idea of his account numbers or even how many credit cards he has... I've never seen anybody with their head so in the sand. He wants me to call and handle everything for him but of course financial institutions don't give you someone else's information- but he is stupid as he is continually asking me to do these things over and over again. He is the worst part of the whole job.

I guess I am fed up with it, my father said I should be happy to have a job and if they are just paying me to sit there, okay... I know that's the attitude a lot of people have in this economy but actually, I am not the kind of person who is satisfied with that, it tires my soul. I have already burnt myself out on FB and all of that. I made the mistake of thinking that I could barely work all summer and just make it with this job, but I would still rather have my own time... I know the fall will get better, that will be a busier time of year, and right now is the slow time... but I am hating it. I really wanted to go camping and spend time outdoors, but I was trying to talk to my boss about taking off the last week in August, because it is slow, but she seemed against that.

I think I will still figure out a way around that.

I'm not going in to work today because I have cramps, I'm going to stay home and chill and not push myself at all... I think I was in that place waay too much and even those few hours a week are more than enough!

Shelby called me yesterday afternoon and I actually left the building so I could talk to him uninterrupted. But unfortunately we had a bad connection, and got to the point where he really couldn't hear me- the strange part was he was saying- "Oh I can't hear you Duckie, bye bye, Duckie." And he either hung up or got cut off, but he didn't call me back later or text or email me or anything.... I called him about three hours later and left a message, but I still haven't heard back. I am not devastated but it was still a little hurtful because I was really looking forward to talking to him and then that is what happened. Our conversation clearly wasn't "done" so also seems strange that he would not have any kind of contact with my afterwards to at least acknowledge that.

I spoke with Inez last night too. She's been calling me A LOT. She is in Serena's classes too, but three years behind me, so she always wants to talk about that. But as I mentioned before Inez has a way of talking and talking and not really leaving much space for anyone else. Although I think she might be getting a little better. Except her speech is still kind of pressured, like she's yelling all the time, and I almost wanted to ask her to calm down... I guess it just takes time. Also she will ask my opinion about something and then interrupt my answer without even listening to it. I don't know why but I agreed that I might see her next time I am there, that was maybe not the best idea, but. We shall see.

That's it for now.

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