Dear Diary,

Yesterday I had a very hard time getting motivated at all, I slept till 11am and moped around the house, it was after all my day off. I was invited to a birthday party but didn't even want to go.

Roc sent me a text that everyone had departed from the lake. I just called him right away. That is my new thing that Gia suggested. He usually picks up too. We talked for awhile. He told me that Pandora had showed up there with her kids. I don't know why but I felt really weird about her going there and not telling me. She's supposed to be so into me, she knew I had been originally planning to go there if she was going, so huh? I don't get it? And for awhile I just felt really bad kicking myself because I had spent so much of the weekend feeling bad about not going. I guess I am over it now though.

Eventually I got myself together and went to meet David and family, we went and saw some music, stayed out late.

Went to pt job today, feeling more exhausted than ever. Worked five hours or so, then went to work for myself in the evening. It was a long day but it helps to have money in my hand!

Luke was there tonight and he is a sly one indeed. I realize he is quite seductive. He has these big brown eyes and he was using them on me all night. It was time to leave and he was kind of hanging around and practically got kicked out. Then when I went outside he was outside the front door talking to another guy, but it was obvious he was waiting for me. He said he would walk me to my bus, and made a big show of offering me his arm. All along the way he was very flirtatious and I was starting to think, hmm, maybe something could happen with Luke and me after all... well suddenly he started talking about all the other girls he was surrounded by and blah blah blah. It was so weird because in a way it felt like he was trying to hook me somehow with his seductive behavior, then as soon as he had me, he had to punish me somehow by trying to hurt me by letting me know he had lots of women in his life. I swear that's how it felt.

It's okay though because even though it was slightly painful, more so because it was unexpected, I just dug in my purse for my bus pass and told him good luck with his women. He probably gets off somehow on treating women that way. When we had lunch it was a similar thing- he led me on and then twisted it at the end. I think he is very manipulative and I won't be fooled by him again. Ever.

So let's see today I chatted with Roc online, we might hang out after Labor Day. He basically said that he really needs to have sex, I basically told him that he should go have it with someone else because I am not ready. He said he is willing to wait and go slow, butin the next breath he will say dumb things about how he "needs" sex. So I intend to just keep telling him he will have to get it from somewhere else.

Gia called me and we had a good conversation. Oddly enough we both had very similar dreams where we were trying to teach people things but they were not paying attention to us.

I spoke with Emily too, Mr G is here and they are "still talking". It seems she is finally hearing that he doesn't want to get married, that used to be something that Emily insisted she wanted but now she says if he were to move here she wouldn't care. I told her she doesn't sound happy, she said, oh I'm just tired. Well no I meant she has NEVER really sounded happy with this guy. From the beginning it has been excuses and explanations about him but never just simple happiness. I can recognize it because I feel that this was the way I was with Frank, always trying to juggle and hold things together, thinking I was happy but really just walking a tightrope of miserability, trying to avoid the pain of my reality as much as possible. And so it goes.

p.s. It's also very scary just how much I can't sleep.

Love,
Duck

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