#2

Well Diary,

What can I say.

I thought I'd be hanging out with David and family tonight, that didn't happen. I was a little bummed, feeling rejected all around.

I spoke with Keith on the phone. We were trying to figure out why I am attracting such immature men into my life- he confirmed my basic thought about myself, that although I can be playful and fun, I have a pretty mature mastery of language, communication and honesty in relationship... so we're not really sure.

Then I was just done- I have noticed that I get really tired when people tell me the same stories over and over again- with Gail, it's anything about Craig (I can tell she is still so hung up on him, even though she has nothing nice to say), whenever she talks about the boring guy she went on a few dates with and how boring he is, or what awesome revelations she's having about herself. With Keith it's that he can't date women because they are too wounded. With Bethany, it's basically anything- all her stories are too long and I don't have the patience! I think I am tired and I don't do well when I am tired.

I watched some things online and also went on FB, Roc was there... I waited to see if he would disappear, he did not... I started a conversation with him, we chatted for like two hours. About lots of stuff. He is not a bad person at all. He sent me this video, it was a very tender video about a rock singer who brings a girl onstage, I asked him what he liked about it... turns out he is an incredible romantic. Well I thought that was very sweet, that's like a peek into his heart... doesn't mean he can live from that place or be mature, I know, but I do just want to like him as a human being who is trying hard like everybody else.

Anyhow I am realizing that I make myself upset about his texting/IMing etc, but as Gia pointed out maybe that is the way he feels comfortable communicating, he is not trying to avoid me either (that's where my mind goes) but rather he will usually answer the phone if he can or chat with me for a long time, so... hmm.

I don't know what I'm doing, he is not what I want but he's not all bad either. I'm beginning to think that maybe I won't find "the one" ever or at least for a while, so what's the use of holding out? I mean as I said before with Shelby, I would really like to enjoy my sexuality, instead of being virginal and waiting for one guy whose gonna make it all okay. I would just like to be strong enough within myself so as not to get lost around it... you know really enjoy myself... instead of having devastating relationships and then dry spells where I don't have sex for years and years... really now, after my surgery I didn't have sex for 5 years, and then after breaking up with Frank I didn't have sex for 2 years, and now since M it will be 3 years in October that I haven't had sex... what a drag. Feels no fun to be alone in those peak years... I know it has been necessary for my growth and even the protection of myself, but I want to be ready for something different now. I even said to PIa the other day, can it just be about whatever it is, having a good time, without always trying to figure out if it's going to be the person I can spend my life with?

So now you know it all.

Chatting with Roc was all part of my procrastinating about packing, after that I did get up and clean the house and wash a bunch of clothes, so I'll see what I can get done tomorrow as far as packing. Really I guess I just need a few outfits and underwear and I'll be set!

Right?

And just wanted to mention that the other day JJ sent me some photos of our weekend up at the lake, first thing I saw was a shot of me from behind and I was so judgmental and disappointed about my body, how fat I look in my jeans... the one pair of jeans I could squeeze myself into... and kind of amazed that Roc seems to find me sexy... still trying to process that.

I wish I could lose weight somehow, right now I have a big stomach that sticks out (why?) and a big butt, so the whole bottom half of me looks like a barrel... I hate it! and I don't know what to do... I know it's very hard to lose weight anyway when you don't sleep. So I guess that's my foundation... but as you can see that's not happening quite yet.

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