Dear Diary,

I left Delia's on Sunday night and another friend picked me up- (a girl I met through Gia). So basically the most interesting part of this is that this girl and her husband own the property that Shelby used to rent- it's basically attached to their house and when they're not renting it out they use it as guest quarters. Since I was the guest, that meant I got to sleep in the apartment where my married ex-lover and I had our monthly trysts. It was totally cleared out but had a familiar smell to it, maybe a scent I used to associate with Shelby but now realized perhaps it was the apartment. I chose to sleep in the same futon bed we shared rather than the bed I once got so upset about not being allowed in. And everything was okay. I found the smell and the familiarity more comforting than anything. I think in the past I would have been more nostalgic and upset, but I must be changing because I am really doing okay.

The next day I went to Serena's class, it was a long day. People actually started telling the truth about how they have been feeling in the class. There is one big obstacle for me about expressing my discomfort in the class but that person, Grace, was sitting right there so I was not going to say anything. But maybe I will call Serena sometime and talk about it.

I went out to lunch with Thomas and David like I always do. We had Mexican. Even though I split my portion in half, I still got a headache after lunch. I am just feeling fatter these days and thought maybe downsizing my portions would be helpful. But also I've been having headaches and nausea after eating and been rather concerned. I had a headache for the rest of the day and couldn't wait to get out of there.

I ran out of class and Shelby was waiting for me outside. Since I was still full from lunch and he had to go to a class soon, we just went to a grocery store and got some fruit and juice and took it to the park. Since the last time we spoke on the phone I did most of the talking, this time I listened as he told me about his summer. I was so happy just to see him and be near him, I can't even describe it to you. Time went way too fast and he had to get going to his class. I still felt there were so many things I wanted to tell him, but it felt like not the right time. As he drove off I did feel a wave of sadness, not devastation like it used to be but sad nonetheless, a little bit clingy and needy for him. I went back to the apartment and went out to dinner with those two folks. Had a headache the whole time and fell asleep fairly quickly when I finally fell into bed.

I had two dreams that someone was telling me that Shelby's wife wanted to talk to me, but both times I woke up before I could connect with her. In the second dream it seemed that Shelby and his wife had made friends with my parents. They were all on a bus together, someone came up to me and said, Shelby's wife wants to talk to you. Then some other lady got in my face and the way she looked at me and laughed at me told me that she felt I was a fake. I pushed her away and went looking for Shelby's wife. I could see her at the back of the bus and waved and motioned for her to come forward through the throng of people, but I woke up before we could come face to face.

I also had a dream that I was having sex with Luke. I actually had an orgasm that woke me up! Crazy.

The next day I took a long walk in the morning, then the bus to connect with Gia. She picked me
up and we had a really lovely afternoon talking
and catching up about everthing. She has been
kind of upset about a friend kind of dissing her so
she was more vulnerable than I have ever seen
her. Thomas came home for a brief while and
then left for a class, then Shelly came over and
the 3 girls hung out. Thomas returned from class
and we all stayed up way too late. I shared a
bed with Shelly but she brought her big dog that
walked around the house all night and I hardly
slept at all, really just dozed. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and I went into another little room that has a big chair and I curled up there and slept for another two hours or so.

Still had to get up early because it had been determined that rather than go to any more of Shelby's workshops I should see him privately. This of course was in professional capacity but it felt good to see him again anyway.

All with enough time to get to my plane... and I checked my online profile. I can't really send emails to people, I can only put them on my list of possibilities and send them a little flirt notice. Well I did both to one guy who just looks incredibly handsome and seems really interesting. He wrote me an email asking what I liked about his profile and I just said, you seem like you know who you are, you seem really masculine which I like, and it doesn't hurt that you have nice eyes. After I wrote that and sent it I had a momentary lapse of self-worth and got afraid that maybe he thought we had nothing in common and perhaps he was asking in a way of, what the hell is this girl thinking? But he actually wrote back right away that he was flattered and had to go go work and wished me a good day and evening... I am kind of pleasantly surprised that such a handsome man wrote me back, trying not to get too ahead of myself. I picked some cards though and one was the "yes" card.

Meanwhile haven't heard a peep from Roc. Last we spoke was chat on FB of course, I asked if he wanted to call me but he was chatting with three other people simultaneously and it just seemed he couldn't be bothered. So much for trying to be the love of my life, huh? I think Roc is just too fucking lazy. I had told Gia about him and she suggested that since he acts like he is fifteen years old, why don't I just act fifteen too and relive that part of my life and have a really great time, and don't expect it to be anything else.

Well we all know how I have struggled to keep it casual but part of me really wishes I could do something like that.

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