Dear Diary,

Have been at my parents' house since Saturday afternoon. Can't really remember when I last wrote, but I landed late Wednesday night, went into work the next two days. Met Bethany and bought her dinner for her birthday, which was a few weeks ago and I missed. But really I didn't want to spend any time with Bethany... I hope she couldn't tell. I was anxious to be on my way, I just needed a vacation. And lately it just seems like Bethany is always having a hard time. That is okay but right now I just don't feel like I have the resources to support her. I am tired! Have I mentioned this?

Slept very little Friday night and was up early to get the bus to my parents'. Actually fell asleep for a couple of hours which is different. Felt a little better though. I got there and met up with my mom, we hung out a bit then went to the grocery store, then more time with my parents...

If you remember last time I talked to Zeke we had spoken about "playing" together... he had even said he'd get a room, he'd take me to dinner, etc. Well I called him as I said I would, of course his voicemail is full (he never listens to it) so I texted him to call me and let me know when he wanted to go out. I didn't hear from him till well after 7pm, I was getting hungry and he sounded off. Well turned out he had a fucking HANGOVER. He had gone out the night before and gotten totally trashed, basically. He said he had slept all day, he wanted to see me but he was "a little rough" aka he was hung over, unshowered and hadn't brought a change of clothes, he only had his work clothes.

I was more than just a little annoyed. We had planned spending time together and maybe even getting physically intimate, and this is how he shows up? It pissed me off on so many levels. I wanted to be with him when he was fully present and his mind and body was working, not in hangover mode. It also bugged me that we were going to a restaurant but because he hadn't thought to bring a change of clothes, I couldn't wear my awesome pretty dress I'd been waiting to wear, because now we really wouldn't "match", so I had to choose something plainer.

In any case he showed up, said hello to my parents (we have known each other since we were 16 years old) and we went to dinner. He paid and I left the tip. He did of course bring up Shelby (always curious about my sex life and trying to figure out what I am doing). I was proud of myself for cutting my portion in half and eating one part and taking the other home. I am trying to eat more sensibly.

We went to the movies and then I was just tired (it was after midnight) and ready to go to bed. I think Zeke was just waking up and hoping we could hang out some more but basically I told him, next time we should start earlier and we can play, but you should not be hung over and you should bring clean clothes so you don't stink. Yes, I told that mutherfucker he was stinky.

I went back to my parents' and got in my bed and slept for many hours. Woke late and got ready to go to the neighborhood party, which started at 1pm and went on till... 1am. Ha. Literally I came home at 12:30am or so. In any case, it was a day of food, games, kids, drinking, food, more drinking, reminiscing, laughter, stories, jokes, holding babies and more drinking... it boiled down to me, three girls I grew up with and one of their husbands... two of them were drunk and started crying about their own personal problems, I had two drunks crying on me and talking and talking, but of course not listening... finally the other girl just piled their drunk asses in the car and drove them home.

I had invited Zeke to stop over at the party and also Stacy who is in town, neither one of them showed. Zeke is just like that, and Stacy is totally controlled by her parents... when I told her to come by the party she was like, "Can I bring my parents?" I thought that was an odd request but I was like, uh, sure... I guess since she was only visiting for a few days they felt like they had to be with her every minute. So they didn't stop by anyway. Feeling bad because she invited me to dinner and I said I was going to this party but maybe I'd stop over later... but the party went on for 12 hours... who knew? I agreed to meet her and her parents for breakfast. Why I did that I do not know, I hate getting up in the morning and basically I need the sleep more than anything. Also the breakfast itself is not that amazing, her parents and her child are miserable (her parents don't have any tolerance for their grandchild and start yelling at him which makes him act out more). Altogether it is getting harder and harder to hang out with Stacy.

I got dropped off at my Mom's, went to see a few neighbors and check on their hangovers, and then went shopping with my Mom. Wow I thought we were just going to browse around but I tried on four dresses that fit great, and two pairs of boots. I told my mom I feel a little self-conscience at the pt job about my clothes because all my co-workers are so fashion conscience... well my mom bought me all the outfits and I am so excited about my new clothes! I feel like I really look good, two of the dresses are very shapely cut and show off my figure in a great way, the other two are a little more flowy but just look classy. Plus the boots, one pair flat and another with a heel, and my mom bought me a quilt too. I feel excited and maybe something will open up for me, like my life could be different.... ever feel that way when you get new clothes? Must be because I just threw away four or five bags of clothing and I just feel like I'm getting rid of parts and pieces that are no longer me. Of course I know I am not my clothes but it feels symbolic and powerful!

Came home elated with all that and helped my mom make dinner. It was tacos, my favorite... had dinner with Mom and Dad and then off with the neighborhood girls again for an evening of chatting and whatever... no drinking this time!

I have one more day here. I feel like I should have called X or ZZ but you know, there is not always enough time to spend with every single person I'd like to see... I also never heard back from my cousin. Mmm. So...

I haven't really been on FB at all and that is great, I really like life much better when I am not always sitting in front of a computer wondering where people are and why they are not paying attention to me... therefore I haven't heard anything from Roc at all. I will see him at the lake next weekend, it will be interesting to see what he thinks is going on... like does he think we are going to have some physical relationship when we don't have any communication? Huh? Probably he does, really I don't think he has any clue how to relate to women and he's just hoping he can charm them with his incredible body... whateva... Alphie flashbacks...

I did also get a response from somebody online and he sent me his phone number and email. He is a different guy from the one I initiated with, but he sounds like he is intelligent and has a good sense of humor from his profile... in a lot of ways he might be a better fit. There are a few other guys that have just been writing messages and I just think it's so boring, all that pressure to be witty on FB and the internet all day, I'm glad this guy wants to talk on the phone and get things moving appropriately... I guess I am in a different place!

And now, I must sleep...

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