Dear Diary,

Okay I don't know what happened there. I can't believe it's been 9 days since I updated! That's just crazy.

Well I went to the lake, drove up with JJ. When we arrived the first people we saw when we pulled in were Roc and his daughter. His daughter is so cute, she jumped up to see me all smiling. I still can't believe she likes me so much... she is fourteen. I'm not used to guy's daughters thinking I'm cool or nice or anything. Roc also came over and said hello and kissed me on the lips. Which was kind of confusing.

The usual thing is everyone arrives on Friday, so I saw G too and gave him a hug. I have to say that when I hug this guy the world seems to stop, my legs get hot and the heat works up to other body parts. I guess he feels it too because he is never in a hurry to let go... so this time he said to me, "Would you like to spend some time together?" Of course I said okay- G is MUCH younger than me but I have been eyeing him since he was officially legal!

But now I was in a conundrum, even though I had told Roc that I didn't want to be exclusive with him, I was really wondering what he was thinking and what he considered us to be. In the evening G and I took a walk together down the country road. The stars were out and we didn't bring any flashlights, it was amazing... I asked G what happened to his exclusive thing that he told me about at Memorial Day... (last time I saw him in the spring, I confessed that I was attracted to him, he said it was mutual but that he was involved with someone- then I had 4 or 5 dreams about him, I wonder if we were talking about getting together this time?). He told me that was over- actually he told me more than I needed to know. And also that he had dated this girl Kitty from the lake but they broke up. And now he didn't want to be monogamous with anybody, and he wanted to be clear about that.

It seemed to me that maybe G had had some sexual experiences over the summer and now he was feeling brave, brave enough to be with me. And I kind of got the feeling that he was a bit like me, that he had gotten wrapped up and lost in relationships in the past and what he really wanted was to experience. And I can't even feel bad about that because he is so young and that's what a person should do when they are young!

In any case when he was done, I told him I had a bit of a messy story to tell him too. So I told him about my date with Roc and my confusion about where we are at... and that I wanted to be with him (G) but that I felt it was necessary to check in with Roc and make SURE he knew that we are not exclusive... so for that night we didn't do anything, just hold hands and walk... it still felt really good.

The next day, G paid a lot of attention to me: sitting near me, being affectionate. Roc didn't really pay any attention to me at all, instead he was mostly hanging with another girl and even holding her hand. G was getting more and more irritated, he was looking at Roc with that other girl and saying, this is what's cock-blocking me?! When are you talking to him? Finally I asked Roc if he would take a walk in the woods with me, he said yes and we did... however somehow before I even asked him what I wanted to, we started talking about something that happened to me a long time ago and I got all upset and crying, luckily he had tissues in his pocket. After I had a good cry, I asked him how he felt after we had our date... he said he was still "very" interested in us (?) but he didn't know if he could go slow enough for me... he asked me what I needed... I told him clear communication and time alone with him. He told me he had been going through a lot and it was hard for him to reach out, and because he'd been going through so much with Marianne, he was shut down. Also that he came as a package with his kids, (so basically there is really no such thing as alone time with him, even though his kids are teens)... he considers alone time bedroom time... which leads me to believe he has no idea how to build real intimacy, i.e. dating, dinners,movies, walks etc.

In any case, I re-iterated the non-exclusivity thing and felt like I made my case there. So I didn't feel too guilty about going to G's room at night, we didn't really kiss much (just a little, because I still felt weird) but all that energy, well, that was enough. I don't know how to explain it. G also was not holding back on being affectionate with me the next day, I don't see how Roc COULDN'T have noticed, but also he didn't really make any effort to connect with me so the whole thing seemed ridiculous. By nighttime I was so tired though (from not sleeping much the other evenings) that I just went to bed on the early side, no nighttime fooling around. I told G I wanted him to come to my house and see me, where we could be alone without all the prying eyes of people who are at the lake.

G left on Monday, I hung out a bit with Roc which was actually fun. We did goofy things like play badminton and throw the ball for the dog. He made some remark about me complaining the other day and how he was avoiding me because I was unhappy. I told him that if that's the way he felt we shouldn't be together because I wasn't always going to be happy in life, and I wanted a man who could be with me for real how I was. Hmm. Did you hear me say that, Diary?

So Roc and I had entertained the idea of me going back with him, but I decided to stay with the other guy who'd invited me over (he lives down the road from the lake house). It just felt better to do that, rather than deal with going back with Roc and Marianne etc. Roc and I went for a walk, I again emphasized that I don't know if we are compatible, and that I don't really know who I am these days. It feels to me like we are from two different countries speaking different languages. In a lot of ways it feels like Alphie all over again! I could tell Roc was trying really hard to hear me though after I cried and got upset. Then I got really angry, I said I have to get this out of me, so he took me to the punching bag and stood by me and was a support. That was a big deal. A big deal. Afterward I went to hang out with some trees, and down the road to Doug's house. Hung out a bit there, then back to Roc, who was packing with his daughter. I played badminton with his daughter for a half hour or so. She really seems to enjoy me, perhaps she is amenable to anybody who pays attention to her, I don't know. But she likes when I do funny accents and call her nicknames...

They left, I went back to Doug's and we had dinner. He had a friend staying over too. We ate and then watched a movie and I crawled on the sofa and said now I am going to sleep. I wasn't sure what Doug thought the sleeping arrangements might be (I was starting to wonder why he was so nice to me) so I made it clear I was sleeping on the couch. I slept for 10 hours. Felt better in the morning... we went for a hike on some trails with the neighbor, and I spent a couple hours in the sun. Then the neighbors came over for dinner. When turning in Doug asked me if I wanted to sleep in his bed (a lot of people at the lake share beds, not necessarily in a sexual way).... I said okay but really I don't sleep well with other people. He said we could give it a try for awhile. The weird thing was that I had on a t-shirt and pajama pants and he took off all his clothes and got into bed. He was like, oh, are we cuddling? and I said, maybe if you put some pants on. I mean really!

He did but it was all kind of awkward. He fell asleep pretty fast, I was having trouble but eventually I did too. But then I woke up, and couldn't fall back asleep. I left and went back to the couch. I was up for several hours and eventually fell asleep. The whole thing felt weird to me. I began to feel that Doug's hospitality was really grounded in an attraction he had for me that he hadn't been clear about. I had thought he was being nice and wanted me to have some time in nature, but now I just felt like he wanted sex. It was confusing. We got ready and drove to my house. He dropped me off and left to go to work.

I put on clean clothes and went to my pt job. After that I came home and started to clean the house because G was coming the next day. I could only clean till 11pm and then I was just too tired. I crashed into bed, woke up at ten of 7 (feeling okay) and cleaned for another 3 hours or so. Then I went to work. G took the bus in and called me at 4 or so. We met at a restaurant and I treated him to dinner (cheap). That boy has no money- he is a college student. But I also didn't really mind. After that we went to the park, held hands, talked, and even kissed a little. I realized I looked like one of those couples I've been watching for years and wishing I had someone to kiss in the park.

Eventually we had to go to my workplace and he sat in the lobby and studied while I worked for three hours. Then I took him home. We took a bath... mind you I had my period, the second day, which isn't much fun for me. I was doing okay but G noticed I was tired and not myself. He was tired too. At one point he literally fell asleep on me. But then he woke up and I was getting the feeling he was trying to "push through" because he didn't want to lose the opportunity to be with me. But I didn't want him like that (plus I was just not ready to have sex). If his body was tired I didn't want to be with him because his mind was pushing for it. I told him I felt like he had lost track of me and I needed him to find me again. And he did. We fooled around a little but no intercourse, slept for about four hours (poorly) and then he left to go catch another bus or train or something. He was going to some party and I know he was going to hook up with someone there so I don't feel bad. Plus he said, it's cool, we have time, which makes me think he wants to be together again.

On our first walk he made a point of saying he wanted to be with me but there were no guarantees of being together again, but every night he wanted more of me. And now he referred to us as "dating", and "having plenty of time." I think he is sweet and maybe someone I could really trust. I know the age difference and everything he is saying means he is probably not long-term relationship material, but have also wanted to just have fun. He is more like Shelby and Roc is more like Alphie. In a lot of ways I feel one represents my past (Roc/Alphie) and one the future (G/Shelby)... where I am going in my relationships, to better men who can here me and hold space for me....

I was so exhausted the next day at work, people were making fun of me. Not only was I tired but had terrible cramps. And of course that's the day I was supposed to have the big meeting with the accountant. It went okay, I have talked to him on the phone many times and was actually convinced that he had a crush on me before I even met him. I'm pretty sure he has an even bigger one now (I wore a pretty dress and fancy shoes!). But I think he is self-conscious because he is kind of short with thinning hair. Oh well, that wouldn't be so bad but you can tell he doesn't have much self-confidence. He made some remark that I must have a lot of boyfriends, I said not really but all of a sudden people just started asking me out. I think that deterred him because he is self-deprecating. I don't really think he is my ultimate type but we might have a good time hanging out. He didn't ask me though.

I had felt like I really needed to be clear with Roc and let him know that I was seeing people from the lake community, not just random whoever. I was feeling a lot of tension about it. I spoke with Pandora on the phone and told her about the weekend. She was exasperated with the fact that I had hooked up with G because, I guess the last two women that SHE had been with had been involved with G. Life is complicated at the lake. She then said that she felt we were developing a friendship, but if that's all I wanted I should tell her, because she had romantic feelings for me. I told her I just didn't know how to do anything else with her since I didn't ever see her (she lives many states away). She had to go because her daughter was crying. The whole thing felt a little weird for me. I feel like I can't give Pandora what she wants. Later I saw that she posted on her FB page "She heard me." And I'm wondering if she was talking about me?

In any case I called Roc but he wasn't home, Marianne answered and I spoke with her for a bit. Roc came home at that time so I did get to speak with him too. I asked him how things were going, we talked about construction, school for the kid, how he felt closed down around Marianne and they are still working things out. I told him about Doug and the weird sensation I got that he wanted to be sexual with me. Roc asked me if I had slept with him- uh, NO. But he said, oh I didn't know, I thought that's why you stayed with him. (G had also asked me if I was dating Doug the other night. No.) So I got that apparently Roc is thinking I'm sleeping with all kinds of people and not telling him. It was a good segue to let him know that I had other people from the lake who wanted to date me. I told him about Pandora but also added that I didn't think I could give her what she wanted. He asked who the other person was and I told him it was G. He said oh or something that seemed like it made sense to him. I asked him how he felt about that and held my breath waiting for the hammer to come down. He said he felt like he could still be open with me. I was pretty shocked. I told him I just always wanted to tell him the truth. He seemed cool with it all. He told me he loves me (like people do at the lake). We hung up. I am still amazed.

How weird is it that I can have everything I want?

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