Dear Diary,

Life keeps rolling on... Saturday night I went to work with the client I always think is going to fire me. He didn't. I don't get it, but, more money, so who's to complain?

Sunday I took a bus and went and saw a woman friend of mine from the lake. She is an older woman, about 68, but she has always been an inspiration and a mentor of mine because she has always been extremely active in every way... a real go-getter! We went and had a fabulous lunch and then went to the movies. Then I came home...

This morning I got up and got to work on my own stuff. I felt like I should go to the pt job but I actually had so much to do as far as computer, phone calls, etc... so I did a lot including talking to Elliot in a nice long conversation, then got ready and went to the pt job. I was there for about 3 hours, I did a little bit of work and then everybody left, G called and we spent about 1.5 hours talking on the phone. I was pleasantly surprised because I had a fear that we really wouldn't have much to talk about but I guess we did. Interesting because he is in a place where he is feeling like he doesn't know where he's going or what he's doing, is he going to school for the right thing, etc. I just told him to trust spirit and he will end up in the right place. I remember being that confused and worried all the time and in reality it was like algebra: I never actually needed it. Oh well oh well.

We also talked about our night together and various things. High points included:

1. Him sharing a dream he had that scared him
2. Him saying that he loves women but he also wants to be conscious of staying a man,
3. Me offering my two cents about how sometimes men want to do that but they end up acting like boys who want to please mom, and he said he identified with that, especially since he likes to date older women
4. Me telling him how I felt about being together, i.e. that he was tired but I felt him "pushing through" and having an agenda rather than feeling into what was happening right then, and I felt like he lost me
5. Him saying that was true and that part felt like the "boy" that wanted to please me AND just take advantage of the situation
6. Us making a contract that we wouldn't be "duty-bound" to each other, meaning that we wouldn't just do things to please each other, but would feel into ourselves and be authentic
7. Me telling him that it was important to me to follow my own happiness and feel into what my body really wanted to do
8. Him being happy and appreciative of all the communication
9. Us making a plan to talk next week and also talk about the possibilities of us getting together; I could go see him (he lives with his mom but his mom has known me for years and likes me a lot, haha)
10. Me telling him that I told Roc about us and it was fine. He said he didn't really trust Roc's reaction, but I guess they will have to work everything out between themselves now. There is some men's weekend at the lake in a couple weeks and now they both know about each other and I've been honest so... I don't feel I need to do anymore!

All in all I feel really good, I'm watching my own neediness which is sometimes coming up around G, just wanting him for myself and worrying about the future. I should take my own advice, none of my worrying about guys has ever gotten me anywhere, so I need to stay strong and focus on myself.

I had asked Bethany if she wanted to meet for dinner, so while I was walking over there I called Pandora because I felt I should... she said she had only a few minutes but we ended up talking for almost a half hour... I'm not sure what is going on. I feel like she wants something from me but I am not able to give it. She feels like we are building romance and her feelings are increasing but honestly mine are not. I think she is beautiful and smart and incredible but I don't feel daydreamy about her or anything like that. I just like her and like connecting with her, but I get the sense that it's not balanced between us. She has heard me many times say that I just don't know what to do or who I am so she gets that, but I still feel there is something missing. It feels like an expectation or something? I'm not really sure. Obviously I have to do some more thinking about it.

I ate with Bethany and we talked about a lot of stuff... she is having a time trying to sort things out with her finances and her boyfriend... I came home and called Marva, that was good. I'm getting ready to go see Red, it's been a year and a half since I've seen that boy!

So I don't know much more than this. It's weird that Shelby has not called me back. Gia said he has been a real grump, I am wondering if he is having trouble adjusting to married life.

Love,
Duck

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