Dear Diary,

I had to upload last night's entry today, because for whatever reason my computer was just not working last night!

When I woke up this morning there was a text from Pandora saying I could call her anytime and she would try to be there for me. I didn't call or text her back. I don't need that... I don't know what I need from her. She feels overly involved in me... I don't know how else to explain it.

Today I went to the pt job... same old same old. Except I got really dressed up because I had contacted one of the guys from the online dating site. Back before Labor Day weekend we said we would meet eventually for coffee. So I finally emailed him and told him I was free, he suggested 5pm today so I said okay, and that I would figure out a place near my work I could meet him (the plan was to meet him briefly and then go back to work).

So I asked the girl who works the reception desk which was the best place to go for coffee, and she suggested a French place a few blocks over. I went to email said guy the location, at this time it was about quarter of two and we were supposed to meet at 5- and he had sent me an email saying, "Duck- I didn't hear from you, so I made other plans. We will have to meet another day." Well that just felt weird. I wrote back something like, oh, sorry, I was just writing to confirm a place with you... I guess I could meet you tomorrow....

But I did not feel good at all. My brother called and I told him the situation and he immediately said, "Douchebag. Don't bother! He didn't even try to email you one more time to just make sure something was happening. He's lame." This kind of resonated with me and how angry I was feeling about it, so I also asked the reception girl and the guy at work and they both agreed it was a rather rude move. So I ordered a really luxurious lunch for myself, and wrote him back, "Actually, I'm not really feeling good about our interaction today. I've changed my mind about meeting. I wish you well though. Goodbye." And that was that.

Immediately I knew I did the right thing. The whole thing was just starting off on the wrong foot. Even if I met him the next day, I think I would have held some resentment about the fact that this guy either wasn't patient, or jumped to conclusions that I wasn't going to come through. I don't know, it could say a lot about his personality in general. I could even see if it was a half hour or even an hour before we were supposed to meet... but we still had over 3 hours before our meeting time. So I feel like if I went on a date with him it would have just been pushing myself to do something I really don't want to do... the exact thing I was just talking about yesterday with G, the kind of shit I don't want to do anymore.

So that part felt right. I felt relieved, but still shitty too. I had dressed really nicely today, and I'm glad I don't have to dress up tomorrow! Haha. I felt like I would rather go home and masturbate than bother thinking about meeting up with this guy (always a sign that I've made the right decision).

But I didn't get to do that either. I finished up at work and was home pretty early. It's sad that I feel like I sit in front of a computer all day, then I come home and turn on my computer. I wanted to watch True Blood and was setting up to do that when I got a text from Roc, saying he was leaving a meeting and driving home. I assumed this was in response to our text conversation about making a plan to get together, so I called him, we talked for a bit then he said he was going to drive home (takes him about an hour) and he would call me from there. Perfect- just enough time to watch True Blood. Except then John called. He had a few questions about some upcoming presentations and work things. I was on the phone with him for over an hour. I can feel him trying to get to me and reel me into all kinds of stuff- he is a drama queen, even said something about our conversation in March and how "that didn't go so well"- I have to say I was pretty proud of myself and just held my ground and didn't get sucked into his stuff. I also feel this underlying thing that he WANTS me to WANT him to do something and I'm just letting go of wanting him to do anything- I've just decided to let it all go and not care what he does or what he's involved in, I am not playing his game. Usually as a result he sticks around because he keeps trying to hook me.

In any case that took a long time and I hung up and started to watch True Blood and then Roc called. So we talked for a bit about all things... his daughter and some things happening at the lake (she had a big hickey on her neck on Sunday, and I told her father about it- he hadn't noticed) and I guess some other sexual stuff was going on with boys but I don't know all the details. We also talked about work and stuff and then tried to figure out when we could meet up. Only thing is, being a single girl so long I've made my work and travel schedule so packed, it's crazy and I really don't have time to travel two hours to go visit this guy, and I guess him coming here is out of the question because he wants to be there to put his daughter on the bus and when she comes home from school.

Oh well to my credit I didn't even know we were still dating when I made my schedule. And anyway maybe it's good that Roc has to work a little bit to see me. And maybe the fact that he knows I am also seeing G is kicking his ass a bit. In any case we are going to try to find an opening to meet up, one of the things I thought of is meeting halfway in a little town somewhere on a Friday afternoon.... it's a possibility.

Well now I am tired.

Love,
Duck

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