Dear Diary,

Yesterday took a bus to do a presentation about an hour away... I don't know what was wrong with me because I messed up on the bus times and I don't normally do that. But basically I got there on time so it was all okay.

After work there was G to pick me up- super sweet. He drove us back to his dad's house to drop off the car, then his dad drove us to G's mom's house, where G lives. Yes, he's a young man and lives with his Mom. Yes, I know both his parents because I have known them for years. Yes, there is more than a decade and a half between our ages. I try not to feel awkward about it. His parents seem cool with it, as far as I can tell.

We got there and lay down, hugged and kissed a little. We ate some food and G said he had some homework to do, so I decided to take a bath while he got that out of the way. His mom came home and we spent some time talking to her, then went into the bedroom.

Earlier in the evening, while in the bathtub, I had thought about having intercourse with G and it made me nervous. Actually the phrase I would use is "my heart got scared." I remember that feeling from right before I had sex with M. It freaked me out a bit because I fell so hard for M and there's part of me that believes I could fall really hard for G. That is the truth of it. I felt like I now needed to tell G that the thought of intercourse made me afraid, but he had basically driven four hours round-trip to get me, would he feel cheated? In any case we fooled around a bit and that didn't come up because we did other things.

There is an exceptional sweetness to G, I woke up in the middle of the night to him covering me with the heavy blanket so I wouldn't be cold. I didn't sleep very well at all, until G got up at about 7am to go to class. Then I slept hard for a few hours and I'm pretty sure I could hear myself snoring.

At about 10am G came back and we started fooling around again. At this point I felt like it might be totally possible to have intercourse if I could just stay in my adult self and not let my young part get all weird... and I was pretty revved up anyway, we had kind of reached this point (much like I had reached with HC), where I was wondering why G was not bringing up intercourse. It was kind of a plateau and he just stopped and closed his eyes, I was lying there wondering what exactly I should say, and that maybe I should suggest sleeping together when he started to snore.

Well okay then.

I checked my phone and emails while he slept. Since it was past noon and I hadn't eaten a thing, I got up, waking G in the process, told him I was getting something to eat. He came out to the kitchen too and while we were having lunch his mom came home, we all sat and talked together. She left to get groceries and G told me it was interesting, his mom acts differently when he has "lovers" over but she acts like herself around me. Probably because I've known her for so long?

When she left we started to fool around AGAIN, right there at the kitchen table, and he actually said something to the equivalent of "I so want to be inside you right now" and I thought well okay that means sex, and I recall looking out the window wondering if this was the right thing to do at this time and I just thought I will ask the Universe for a sign (for a moment having some doubts about signs from the Universe, because how could it possibly tell me anything here in the next few minutes? But then I calmed myself with the knowledge that signs are everywhere and something would happen and I would just know), then we moved to the bedroom where I was finally brave enough to ask would he like to and he replied that he had actually forgotten to buy condoms.

Well. There was my sign right there!

Between you and me, I had actually thrown two condoms in my overnight bag before leaving the house, but there was just too much evidence pointing to the fact that it just wasn't the right time for us. Even G made reference to the fact that he had been planning on buying condoms on the way home but had forgotten and maybe it just wasn't meant to be right now... and then he added, "I think my heart's just not ready."

Well. Any man that would say something like that out loud- I fell another level for G right there. And felt a whole new respect for my own intuition and the fear in my own heart. And I was definitely more relaxed because the pressure was off- it was okay not to be ready. The more I hang with G, the more he reminds me of Shelby. And that's a good thing.

So after that it was just more oral sex for both of us, whaahooo! Then cuddling and a quick shower and me dancing around in my underwear like a dork (much to G's delight). Then a kiss goodbye and his mom came back and drove me to the bus.

I am exhausted but happy, feeling like this is definitely somebody who matches me. And fearful too about that because of the age difference and his obvious disinterest in monogamy right now. But I guess really it is only about right now and who knows what the future will hold?

Love,
Duck

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