Dear Diary,

I am at work (pt job) where of course there is no work today. Neither the owner nor the boss are here, not that anyone monitors me much anyway.

I think I have a total sugar hangover today. I had crazy dreams including one where I was watching an incredibly loud 360-degree movie with my cousin, another where I was having sex with Howard (totally disturbing) and he was saying, oh Duckie, you feeeel sooo goood... (ultimately disturbing). There was some other weird shit going on but I'll be damned if I can remember what it was. Oh yeah, some dream where Roc still thought we were dating!

In any case, I had stayed up too late watching Pr0ject Runw@y online, and fretting about the Roc thing. Shelly called and I spoke to her about it. It seems I am very much invested in being "right" somehow, and having the ex whoever know that THEY were the one who dropped the communication ball and that I have done everything I could. I don't know WHY it is so important to me, but I remember having the same perplexity about Smitten last year. I was debating about calling him and breaking up with him, the guy that just stopped calling and would never call back! Whereas it seems that yes, I would just come to the point where I would just say whatever, dude. However there is still someplace I get caught somewhere in there, where I need someone to know I am "good."

Shelly pointed out that I am trying to control how Roc thinks of me. Correct. I told her I do have this fear that he will change the story to how I just started ignoring him and he will tell people the story that way. Shelly said that most likely people I care about would not believe him and if they did, they are probably not worth having as friends. She suggested just waiting a week and I can make a decision next Monday about what to do... I had been considering writing him a message. But I don't know now. I guess I don't have to know.

I came into work today and was deeply disturbed that my computer looked completely different, I couldn't find any of the passwords or my files. Somebody had obviously done something to the computer but no one had an answer for me. I was basically ready to go home and be really depressed (all of that stuff is necessary to my job and without it I have nothing to do, which means no hours, which means no money!!) when the smart girl who knows stuff about computers came in and discovered that someone had switched users, and she switched it back and there was all my stuff! Phew. So we also decided to lock the computer with only one user (me) and only my boss and myself will have the password. It always seemed strange to me, from the beginning, that people were randomly allowed to use this computer which has all the company's financial information on it. Some security!

So, now that crisis is over but I've had a stomachache all day... Steffy has invited me over for dinner tonight so I hope it improves by then. I'm feeling kind of shitty in general: can't think clearly, stomach's messed up, etc.

Got an email from G that he can talk to me on Friday- part of me wondering 'why so long?!' but then I remember that he doesn't yet realize I am the love of his life, ha. I'm hoping he and I can find some time together soon!

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