Dear Diary,

I wasn't sure what to do, and then I realized I had my diary! And that is always a relief and a comfort.

I realize I haven't updated in a few days, so I'll start with Tuesday night. I went over to Steffy's, and she made a really good dinner. AND she had an important announcement- she is engaged. Apparently Matt proposed over the weekend. She is super happy, because she had been very clear about expressing to him that she didn't really want to move in with him until they were married. So Steffy is getting what she wanted, and I'm glad for her. If you remember, I really didn't like Matt for a long time- he used to be very lame and not show up and forgot her birthday two years in a row, shit like that... so in the past year he has really stepped up his game and it's obvious he wants her in his life. So good for her!

I had to leave at a decent hour and get home in time enough to have a conference call with some of my classmates because we are working on a class project. Then most likely I stayed up too late watching online shows. That's what I've been doing, mostly.

Wednesday I went to work and it was so boring and slow that I actually watched Pr0ject Runw@y at work. No one really bothered me. I also had another stomachache which was confusing. Then in the evening I went to work which was fine, and then a phone call with Serena- it was supposed to be my team for the class project calling her altogether but no one else could make it, so I had to do it myself. It was fine because I like to talk to Serena and learn from her as much as possible, so as far as I'm concerned it was more one-on-one time with her! So didn't like our concept at all so I had to rework that with her and then call my teammates back and relay everything to them and work it all out. Then, to bed.

I woke up with cramps and realized that is probably what these stomachaches have been about for the last several days. I've been taking a new herb for my hormones and maybe that's why it feels so different? It is still uncomfortable but definitely... different. In any case, wasn't feeling so hot and took everything pretty slow. Went into work late, almost 4pm. But I figured better to chip away at my hours little by little than not at all. Then I worked in evening too. Right when I started my presentation I realized I did not bring the materials I needed from home to properly do what I needed to. So I began to furiously text Bethany to see if she was close by, and if she could pick some things up at the store and bring them over! Luckily she was and she did. Oh, I owe her big time. I reimbursed her for the things she purchased and bought her a tea and a snack (would have taken her to dinner but neither one of us were that hungry).

So this morning I had a chat with G on the phone. I asked him if he spoke to Roc on the weekend and he said he had, that all was fine with them. Really I didn't want to seem nosy or press for information, but I did mention that Roc and I hadn't talked in 3 weeks or so so I didn't think we were seeing each other. There was a period of awkward silence and then G just started to talk about something else. Which is fine- it's not his job to comfort me or soothe me around some issue with another guy... however I can feel in my own discomfort and unhappiness around this same old type of situation. I know I have to talk to someone about it and I think Shelby is just the person when I see him this weekend.

G and I also looked at the calendar and it was annoying. I had sent him a list of dates that were possible for me and he obviously hadn't looked at them, which irked me. So he really didn't know what was possible and he said he would have to talk to one of his classmates first (they are working on a class project) and maybe he could get back to me by Tuesday? But I was already irritated since I had emailed him my dates on Sunday and had already waited 5 days to talk about this, plus I had people waiting to find out my schedule. So I told him that we were just in the same place we were in last week, and I needed to know so I could make my schedule. At which point he said, okay I will make a decision, and now he is coming here the first weekend in November. So at least we have that settled, even though it feels like a long time away. But I guess a lot will happen between now and then, and I'll definitely be busy.

After we hung up I realized I feel all kinds of insecurity and fear and unhappiness around this whole situation, which doesn't really make any sense because so far everything has been good, but somehow my buttons are being pushed and I'm not even sure how or why.

I also just called the pt job and said I'm not coming in. I'll go in tomorrow, but I just feel like I cannot stand one more day in a row of sitting in a windowless office and then going to work in addition tonight. That would be three days in a row of continuous work plus office tomorrow and then the airport- so maybe that's a little much? Everybody needs a day off, and it's easy enough for me to say that in theory but harder to do it for myself. Plus I am just not feeling well, I need some sunlight on my skin and maybe just some time alone and away from that place, and realistically I am doing okay on money and have more scheduled to come in... I just get nervous.

Okay. So big breath, and the afternoon off!

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