Dear Diary,

Today is a day off. I had plans to get up and wash dishes and clean the house but you know what?! I decided to lie in bed and eat cereal out of the box and watch episodes of Cougar Town and 30 Rock instead. I figure I've earned it...

Yesterday I was in the home stretch of getting some hours in before paychecks were called in. Bethany called me the night before and then texted me too- a "where are you?!" kind of deal. I picked up right away on the fact that she NEEDED something (counseling, it felt like to me) but rather than just stating in her message, "I'm troubled, could use some advice, will you call me?", everything went under the guise of her just trying to reach me because she "missed me." Well I don't know how but my intuition knew it was fake and I was already drained and did not have enough reserves to help anybody out. And the Universe knows it- my phone hung itself up on Gail in midstream of her talking about her problems that she wanted me to solve.

Late into the evening, Bethany left a message that she was now changing her mind and seriously considering going to the conference with Ben and Alphie. See, I knew it was something. And last week, I spent over an hour on the phone with her processing the pros and cons of going or not going, and some very unsafe images came to her and she decided not to go. Now she left a message that even though it was probably unsafe she wasn't scared... well whatever girl. Do what you have to do- even though also on the con list was the fact that going to the conference meant no work and no work means no money, and Bethany has been trying to work out her finances. In the end I think she should do whatever she wants to do but don't expect me to process it for hours and hours with her (that's what her therapist is for), and don't think I'm going to make your decision for you either. And if you want my help just ask for it, but don't try to disguise the fact that you want my help. That's just irritating.

After work I met up with Emily and we went to Oscar's for dinner. He had invited a few people. The food was incredible, and I met some new friends. One really cool girl named Meena... Emily got pretty tipsy and I just realized how weird she can be; one, she doesn't really seem to know how to follow threads of conversation, she's not very funny but she thinks she is, therefore she has no sense of timing or when to stop talking. Just looking at her in a social situation I realize how shut down and tense she really is, I think she holds so many of her real feelings back and goes through the motions of life. I feel like I try to hide so many of my feelings too but they come out in therapy or with close friends or somewhere, but I don't know that Emily has those kinds of resources.

Okay, so, speaking of overwhelming feelings, etc, I just had a doozy of a time at the dentist office. They called me two days ago to remind me I had an appointment. I called and tried to change it thinking they needed 24 hours notice, but I was informed they actually needed 48. So then I felt hijacked by the dentist. But of course I go anyway because what choice do I have? I have to pay for the appointment one way or another. But as soon as I get there I really don't feel well, I'm thinking okay maybe I can just get the teeth cleaning but not the Xrays, I'll just tell them I don't want Xrays when I don't feel good... but as the assistant was putting the bib thing on me I just felt like I was going to lose it- I told her that I didn't feel well and could I please reschedule my appointment? She said I didn't look good and went to ask my dentist, who said I shouldn't stay if I didn't feel good. I tried to explain how I had tried to change my appointment but couldn't because I called too late, but they just looked at me like I was crazy. I may have seemed kind of crazy. In any case I left and out on the street I just burst into tears, feeling a lot of sadness. I think I really do have a fever too. I just came home and ate some dinner.

I guess I just had to get away.

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