not a straight talker [ 2010-10-30, 12:36 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well here I am on a Saturday, lying in bed in the fluffy robe my auntie got me last year for Christmas. My house is a total wreck around me, as usual... ha! Just clothes and whatever. I think I will just organize my laundry, and take it next week because I don't like to go on a weekend.

I'm completely procrastinating about calling Pandora and telling her I'm not going to this party... it's a party for a guy from the lake, and I'm not sure why but I just don't want to go. One, I know it will be a ton of people and I won't know everybody. I guess that would be okay. But I had to go to a party for work last night and the truth is, even though people think of me as sweet and sociable, I feel awkward at parties. Plus, it hurts to stand. I feel like an old lady, but that is the truth. I really wish I could figure out what to do for my body. I guess I could go back to yoga, even though I'm so resistant to that too. But, and, if I cleaned my house, I might have a space to do it.

Also, I know Pandora is a big factor. I just feel like in some way she is PULLING on me. I don't know how else to explain it, but I feel trapped. I feel like I've tried to get away from her by telling her I don't feel right, I don't feel I'm what she wants, and that I don't know what I'm doing or that I'm really capable of being in an emotional relationship with a woman. And then she tells me everything is cool and she really has no expectations and it's okay, but that's not how it FEELS. It feels completely different, like she would say anything to hold onto me somehow. But it's wrong- it doesn't feel like my relationship with Shelly where there is an attraction, and the potential for something to happen, yet we still date men and tell each other about that and it's all cool and really no expectation, the first expectation is that we're friends, and that is that no matter what else happens. But there is something different and slightly clingy about Pandora, and I've realized, it really is HER. I don't want to be with her. I don't like her energy, I don't like the way it feels to be connected to her in this way, it feels like work, probably like it feels to be a guy and be with a clingy woman.

Probably what it felt like to be with me all these many years.

Yikes.

So now the question is a matter of how do I tell her... I have to tell her. It's obvious we haven't been connecting at all... I stopped calling her because I didn't feel like it, it repulsed me every time I thought about it. It felt like it would drain my energy rather than make me feel good. But of course I don't want to tell HER that. But I have to make it clear that I don't want to be with her, because if I don't make that clear, but make it sound more like a problem or an uncertainty of mine, she will just do that thing of reassuring me and telling me it's okay but she will just pull harder.

Gah. I guess somehow this is my karma and now I know why men have just disappeared and never told me why they left or why they don't like me- most likely I was pulling on them and it felt awful but they didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Quite the epiphany I'm having!

I like to pride myself on telling the truth and being a straight talker but I have not done that here, I have just been withdrawing away from what feels bad and hoping it would just fizzle out and go away, hoping she would find someone else to crush on or get distracted by.

So, not such a straight talker, am I?

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