Dear Diary,

Went to dinner with Jerry on Wednesday and it was really, really good. One of those gourmet type restaurants where the food is small, but rich and tasty.

The one thing I messed up on was the gluten factor. When I read the menu none of the things we ordered sounded like they involved wheat at all... but some things would come with breadcrumbs sprinkled on top, etc.... I scraped them off but I was sure I must have eaten something because the next day I had intense pain in my bowel. In any case I still got up and went to the laundromat, finished that and went to get my eyebrows done. There is a place that just opened up in my neighborhood near the bus stop. I felt bad about not going to my regular place in the old neighborhood I used to live in, but I was in a hurry since I still had to go to work... well I will not go there again. The girl did not do a good job at all... she made a thin spot, and on closer inspection I think one is thicker than the other. I am very disappointed. There is nothing that beats a good eyebrow person... and my regular girl is worth the trip. Now I have to wait for this mess to grow back in so I can get it done right.

In any case I went to the pt job and did some stuff there. The Shoes is officially leaving but of course she is a pain in the ass. Even though the owner and the boss are giving her a very good severance arrangement, she is trying to make everybody put everything they say into writing. She tried to ask me to do that after I just told her shit in a verbal conversation. It doesn't even seem relevant because it's just common sense. But her boyfriend is a lawyer and she keeps saying, "Well put it in writing because my lawyer needs to look at it." Her whole attitude is that we are going to try to screw her over, which isn't even true and now she is being a bitch.

It's making work worse for everyone. Not to mention the fact that now we have no salesperson AND the company is severely in debt and it's very likely that to survive we will have to fire people or at least cut the hours of the staff. I will still have my job, I am part time and actually they obviously need me to keep things in order since it's already been proved that no one else was capable of doing that. But there are two other positions that will probably be cut, as those people are really kept around because the owner likes them. They are technically really part time positions that don't generate a lot of money.

I guess we will just see what happens there. Really I already have a job so if the company goes under, I will be okay either way. But all these other people will lose their jobs due to the poor decisions of the owner, who is in la la land. I don't know if I could get in trouble for this, but I called our accountant, whom I have a good working relationship with. He has been friends with the owner since they were kids, so I'm hoping the owner will listen to him. I told him everything that was going on as well as how far behind we have been on payments, etc. He says he often learns more from the employees than from the owner, who glosses over everything. So now the accountant is coming in under the premise of having a meeting with me, but he is going to confront the owner and make sure The Shoes is kicked out the door.

Bleh. I hate talking about the whole work drama anyway!

So, on to better things. Well, first of all, a minor ripple. The intense pain that I thought was from eating wheat? I realized at work on Thursday that it was actually CRAMPS. Yes. On the day before G was coming. AGAIN? grrr.

So I took some meds and went to work, which was fine, and came home and cleaned a bunch, and slept poorly and got up in the morning and cleaned a bit more, and then G was here! He told me he was tired and had a bit of a hangover. So I made him a grilled cheese and a whole pile of french fries, which seemed like the right thing to do. He also told me that he probably wouldn't stay until Sunday... he said he wasn't feeling social and that part of him just wanted to go home and "be in a cave." He asked me how I felt about that and I said I would support him in whatever he needed to do- I was disappointed though and hoping he would change his mind. And then after awhile we went and lay down, and fooled around a little bit, and then he was pretty much falling asleep so I asked him if he wanted to get under the covers and take a nap and he said yes. But once we were curled up together he started touching me, and well, then we were fooling around again. Then we went outside for a walk, and came back in and he did some homework and I sat in bed with my heating pad (sexy, I know?) and then we made dinner, watched a movie, went to bed but of course I wasn't sleepy so I instigated some more fooling around, and had a big release that involved a lot of crying- it felt like a lot of the grief about M coming up- and that just knocked me out so I fell asleep in G's arms. Woke up at some point in the middle of the night with cramps and had to fumble around to find some ibuprofen and my heating pad, but slept okay for the rest of the night.

In the morning we got up, he did his homework while I made breakfast. He told me he did indeed want to go home that day. As the day went on it became evident to me that he was probably going to try to hook up with his friend (a guy) and I tried not to take it personally- maybe he just needed to be with men. We went for a walk, talked a bit- some of the topics that came up included him saying he's just "not into relationship" right now, and then he quickly explained that he was hurt, and a bit depressed. He mentioned this depression a couple of times. I'm thinking he really got his heart broken when he moved to be with that girl last summer. He has gained quite a bit of weight since then. I offered to give him a massage and he accepted. He got kind of emotional during the massage, which is the same kind of thing that happens to me. I think he is a very tender person with a very sensitive heart. And I know he is young.

We know, Diary, that I know what it feels like to have one's heart shattered. I couldn't even explain to him, and wouldn't want to, that it might even get worse. In my twenties I experienced plenty of heartbreak, and then even deeper shatterings in my thirties. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse and it would never be that bad again, someone would leave and it would be a pain I had never imagined. It's not the kind of thing you want to tell a younger person. And maybe he will be lucky and it will never be that way for him.

In any case, he fell asleep after the massage and I snuck into the kitchen to make him lunch. The thing about G is he eats very regularly. And he is not afraid to tell me he is hungry or he will need to eat lunch in an hour. And he is fine with eating at home and even offered to cook- but I just cooked everything because I know where everything is and it was just easier. Also I know he didn't really want to go out to eat because he is on a budget. But it was fine and it encouraged me to make full meals with vegetables and not eat a bunch of crap.

When G woke up we ate, then lazed around and talked some more, then it was time for him to get to the bus. I was getting more and more depressed by the fact that he was leaving, and feeling very needy but trying to hide it. We said a sweet goodbye, and I went home to take a shower and get ready for work. I called Nia and tried to talk to her about it but that girl always has babies screaming in the background and she cannot hold her attention on a conversation. She tries but gets distracted and doesn't ever remember what we're talking about (especially if it's about me) so most of the conversation is about her and what a hard time she's having...

I called Gail too and she didn't offer any insights about how G might truly be feeling about me. She just said at that age most guys want to spend a lot of time with their friends, etc.

I also know it is just my young needy self coming up and it will be okay... I really think G likes me and part of that is evident in that we are taking it slow, the subject of having intercourse did not even come up- then again it was also obvious that I am extremely sensitive when I have my period, but whatever, I'm not dead/asexual just because I have some discomfort sometimes. (Which reminds me I think the new supplement is working a bit, even though I still have pain it is not sharp huge contractions, but starts out more as a dull ache and will increase if I don't take some meds, but still I consider that as an improvement.)

So about G- I guess the best thing to do is not to push or crowd him but just support him in being independent and really it's the same old story of if you love something set it free... I do feel incredibly attracted to him in a love sense, so I have to be careful. This has not happened in a long time. It feels very easy and comfortable with him, and completely different than M- not as intense as M by any means. But everything is different now anyway.

So I went to work last night and had a good time, so that helped. And went out to get something to eat with Bethany, but one of our favorite places has increased all their prices AND put a mandatory 20% service charge on the bill... it was just irritating. I usually tip 20% anyway if the service is good, but the thing was last night's service was NOT that good. So I don't think I'll be going back there again.

Forgot to mention also that I heard from X. I had tried to get together for lunch with her when I was visiting ZZ and my parents. Well she texted me that she was having a terrible time and couldn't meet. A few days later I wrote her an email saying I hoped she felt better- she told me she had been fired from her job. Seriously- after like 25 years of working there, for a tiny mistake that the insisted were "falsifying documents". It's a bit crazy because it sounds like an oversight, so I wonder if they were waiting for an excuse to fire her. She of course was totally crushed and feeling awful and worried about money and the state of her life. But X is a funny one, so after lying in bed with her head under the covers for a few days, she cleaned her entire house and put everything that wasn't nailed down on ebay for sale, and threw out and purged everything else that was just cluttering up her house and her life. I said well, in that case you know that something else will come along because you've made so much space!

Today is a day off, officially. Ginny's ex has once again contacted me saying he is in town and wanted to see if I'd like to get together this weekend. He has impeccable timing, he always comes when I am out of town or have a visitor or whatever. I might write him back that I am here but don't have any intention of going downtown. If he wants to come here that's a different story.

But mostly, I just want to chill out and relax today.

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