day at home [ 2010-11-29, 1:12 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Not much to report today, as I stayed home. I had the basic plan of going into work (no one else ever goes in on Sundays, so I would have been all by myself and most likely would have just watched shows online while I did basic stuff- is that terrible?).

But I had cramps today, and still the slightest bit of a cough, plus with all this I am just exhausted. I debated for several hours if I was going in or not, and eventually decided no. It's tough, because taking care of myself is not something I'm particularly good at, but I think I am getting better. My usual m.o. is to run myself down completely until I just cannot function anymore, and obviously that isn't working for me. So I didn't go in. I learned how to check my work email from home, and it didn't seem like anything much was going on- my boss and the owner and other staff members are on a business trip till next week, and there were no emergency emails about the finances, so I think what I did on Saturday made everything okay for them.

I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy. I used to watch it regularly but got totally lost at some point around the end of season 5, so I finally saw the episode when they lost George, and now I am catching up. The show was kind of addictive in the beginning, and now I just see it as too damn dramatic, I mean I am kind of sick of all the characters, but it is something to watch. It's also kind of unrealistic and ridiculous that eventually every single main character has to have some kind of surgery... but... whatever. I know G watches that show, he seemed kind of embarrassed to tell me that, but when I watch it I just think that he must be a real romantic. That's okay.

I also figured out that I can watch full length feature films on my computer as well, I thought I couldn't because my computer is old and there's a lot of things I can't download or watch because my computer can't even upgrade to that level. So I watched two movies and that is a lot of fun because pretty much I have caught up with all the shows I've been watching and now I'm always waiting for the new episodes just like people who watch regular TV! One of the movies was "Easy A" which was pretty cute.

I was able to watch Dexter tonight too, and you know I was very excited about that. I am still really enjoying Season 5! I did also however make myself do "chores" before I could watch certain shows, like I separated and picked up dirty laundry and also did the dishes. Otherwise things get out of control around here and I don't think that helps me feel good.

I called some people on the phone but nobody seems to be around on a Sunday night. Bethany was hoping I was at work so she could stop by and bring me lunch, but when she called I told her I was home sick and hadn't gone in. I don't know if she really wanted to spend time with me "for me" or for her- meaning that sometimes I feel like she wants me to comfort her or make her feel better, and it wears on me. I just saw her yesterday at dinner, and sometimes I think it's good for us to have a break. I think she's a good reflection for me of how needy I used to be, my god, I think, is this the effect I have had on people? In one way it's embarrassing and it also encourages me to keep working on myself.

Speaking of which I called Shelby to make an appointment with him. I really feel that the last time I worked with him it helped me so much. I was having those very intense feelings of upset around Roc and like I need him, and everyone else to know, just how hard I had worked to try to communicate with him. Now I don't really care. I don't know what Roc thinks, but he has failed in the boyfriend department. Miserably. I am glad I have been able to detach enough and have enough sense of a self to let go of him and any hopes or expectations I had. I want to keep working with Shelby because I feel like I am making huge strides with the individual stuff, and in the end I just feel better- less needy and dependent, less hurt... and I like being this way. I like being stronger. I don't even care so much about the way things turned out with Shelby. If he doesn't want to continue that's okay- he wasn't my ideal sexual partner and in truth that was kind of boring. The emotional part hurt a little bit but I don't feel the same way about it. Also if he doesn't have the capability of being friends that is whatever it is, but I want to continue to use the resources that are available to me to get better. Period.

It is no longer about finding the perfect partner who will never leave. Rather it is about being strong enough that I have myself, and it doesn't really matter so much who comes and who goes. I am really glad that I bought the ticket to go visit Keith. I am really glad that I am in Serena's class even though it seems so crazy to travel every month. I am happy with those aspects of my crazy life- my life is my own, and it is becoming more and more of my own.

Well, I might be able to sleep- let's see.

Love,
Duck

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