mundane, disgusted, despondent... and more [ 2010-11-30, 3:32 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

A sleepless night...

Today was mundane, I got up and went to the pt job... well first I stopped off at the bank and put a big payment on my credit card. That seemed important. I am still amazed that even though I have the second job it doesn't seem like I've achieved much moneywise. I guess I have been indulgent in buying a ticket to Keith's... but I am really excited about it... life can't be all work and no play... there really does have to be some down time, some time to relax and revitalize... otherwise I get sick and despondent.

Speaking of despondent, pt job is really depressing. The owner of the company said he was going to take on sales, since The Shoes was fired mid November. Well he is on the business trip which is supposed to be totally about sales, but I heard today that he has delegated all the duties to other people in the office- people that don't even know anything about sales- because he said that he "didn't have time for that now" and he spent the day at the pool. Really? You would think this guy would be freaking out about the company not having any money, but I guess that's what denial looks like.

I'm also kind of disgusted with the receptionist. The usual m.o. is that I record checks we receive and give them to her with a deposit slip, she is supposed to either take them to the bank or send the intern to the bank to make the deposit. Well I gave her a check on the 19th and another check came in on the 20th. The office was open right up until the day before Thanksgiving, which was the 25th. So why do I come in on the 27th and there is a pile of checks on her desk that have never been deposited? Here I am thinking they are in the account because I gave them to her- granted they totaled about $1000, which doesn't seem like a lot, but when we are counting every penny it's kind of important. To me, anyway. I guess nobody else really cares. And I'm trying not to be upset about it because this job is not worth me getting stressed out about, but I just care about doing a good job no matter what I do. I know I fool around at work, but my records are good, my files are organized and I finish all my tasks... I would say it's generally not a good idea to leave checks lying around in general, lest they get lost, not to mention we need the money in the account, period. Ridiculous. So I took those checks and I will deposit them myself before I go in tomorrow morning. And I will record myself as clocked in a half hour earlier for my time. It's not really my job, but apparently it's not important to anyone else, just like it's not important to the owner to be concerned about his company.

The whole thing really got me down, and I don't really see how the office will survive, so I was also disappointed that this job will most likely disappear very soon, and then I will be back to making less money with one job, and struggling again with my debt, which I feel I've made very little headway on. Although I have paid off David, and I'm almost finished paying off the big conference from July (one more payment to go!), and I have put aside money to pay Ben, and I would love to get that off my back... and I just paid a big chunk on my credit card... I could have bought more plane tickets on sale today, but I figured is it really worth it to buy them so cheap when it goes on my credit card and kicks everything up to the point that I can just pay the minimum payment, and really it's sitting there so long that I probably pay more in finance charges than the regular ticket would be worth...? I don't know. Seems like it is not the best decision though. So I am waiting. There will probably be sales in January to try and kick start things after the holiday, so I can wait till then.

In any case I got all depressed about the job, I stayed as long as I could, which was four and a half hours. I really want to put in enough hours this week, but I was having trouble staying. For one thing I really had absolutely nothing to do, and I just wanted to go home.

On the way home I talked to Shelly a bit- I had messaged her last night because I was on the verge of being bingey. Shelly also has an eating disorder past- though she is more anorexic/binge-purge... but still she is someone I can talk to. It was comforting to talk to her about stuff, but I still felt bad.

I came home and tried to get myself together. I had to do a conference call, which went fairly well. I had to answer a ton of emails, and I had to prepare a menu for this coming weekend at the lake. I agreed to cook for a conference, and I'm not really sure WHY I agreed- I actually had wanted to cook in the summer when my work was slow, but somehow I got shifted to this coming weekend. I'm not even sure about my relationship to the lake, I'm working things out there... but... whatever. And G's mother is going to be there, that could potentially be very fun- I like her and everything, and she has always been very supportive of me in a lot of ways- before I ever even started dating her son- remember I've known her about 10 years or so. In any case, it might just be interesting.

I did get an email from G today saying he was cool with getting together in a couple of weeks. I don't know if he got confused and thought I said I wanted to come for one day, because he actually mentioned only one date. But I had meant that I would come on a Thursday and leave later on Friday- to go back and forth in one day would just be too much. Yet another boyfriend that lives about 2 hours away... quite the test to see how much somebody likes you. I know M got sick of all the traveling to see me. Anyway I wrote to G to try and clarify what I meant, and if the day and a half is okay with him then we will be getting together.

Also Shelby called me this morning and said he wouldn't be able to have an appointment with me next time I am in the area because he will be working that day. But he did say that he is very interested in coming here and working with me in the spring, which I am very excited about. I think Shelby is kind of brilliant even if he seems a little idiot around being someone's friend. And it does make me feel better that he would consider that, and also if we get to spend some time together I can talk to him about the friend thing. In any case, I felt good about that.

So my menu is mostly in place and I even started packing my bag, I need to go to the bus station tomorrow and buy my ticket, and I need to go to work, then I have a chiropractic appointment in the evening, which I am really glad about.

I'm so tired I can barely see straight, and yet I still can't sleep. Does that make sense?

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