grieve it and leave it [ 2010-12-26, 12:34 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well. What to say?

I was so excited to come home for Christmas, but I started having cramps pretty much as soon as I got here. And my parents have been totally screaming at each other and acting nuts, about stupid stuff. Like they have lived with each other for 40 years, you'd think they would have figured out how to just leave well enough alone and not be bothered by each other's idiosyncracies.

I've been having dizzy spells since I've been here, so haven't improved my stress levels much. I'm tired of my aunts, my uncles, cousins and their wives- everybody seems like they are in a bad mood, every couple I've seen seems to be in constant disagreement, everybody is raw and bitchy and exhausted. Okay, I get it! This was probably one of the most UNFUN Christmases I've had in awhile.

Not to mention the cramps. Have I mentioned the cramps??? REALLY BAD. I've been popping ibuprofen and darvoset (which doesn't even work)... on the third day, no less. Man, it's bad. I feel really awful, but it hasn't stopped me from cooking, wrapping and being helpful to all these miserable people.

Last night as I went to bed I realized it was M's birthday and I had pretty much forgotten about that- then I realized it was actually past midnight so, officially, I hadn't thought of M all day. Go, me. So very proud. Slowly but surely getting better.

Was disappointed however that I didn't hear a peep from G today. I guess some part of me was half-hoping he would call me and wish me a Merry Christmas. But I don't know why I would expect that. Every year, really, it's some guy- right? Last year I guess it was Smitten... is that right? Now I can't even remember. I guess it was him, maybe. And now this year he send me a "happy holidays" type of email that was sent to a whole list. Big deal, I don't even have any interest in him... maybe I'll feel that way about G next year. So tired of this.

It appears he's just like so many other guys that I have meant- not ready, closed off, whatever... just technically not available on an emotional level. And it's not interesting to me but at the same time I have a lot of sadness about it. I remember in the beginning of the summer when I was nervous and trying to figure out what to do about Shelby, Serena pointed out that if something doesn't work out you have to allow yourself to grieve what ISN'T and then you can move on. But she said that I have a tendency to avoid that grieving process and instead I try like hell to keep something working and it doesn't work- it just remains painful and gets worse.

So, I guess I'm going to give myself permission to be sad about the G thing. I was really excited about the possibilities, I've liked him for such a long time, but I'm really not interested in being a notch on another shut-down man's bedpost. Pass.

So, I seem to be done here.

Goodnight, and Merry Christmas.

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