Dear Diary,

Aware that these are my first words of 2011, and not really sure what to say.

I came home early Thursday and went right to the pt job. Was there for a few hours and then I had to go to my dentist appointment, which was okay but I have to go back for two fillings- one that fell out and one for a new cavity. It always makes me really sad when I have some sort of health issue.

I went in the next day and worked 9 hours, even though everyone else left early. I told them I had plans to meet someone for dinner but that was untrue. I guess I lied because when people hear you are single and not doing anything on New Year's Eve they think you are pathetic... I stopped at the store and came home and just watched movies and stuff. I told several people that I had some guests coming over or whatever, but my closer friends- I just told them the truth.

If G asks I will probably tell him I had a guest, or something. I had asked him when I saw him what he was doing, and he said he would be going to one party or another... well I talked to JJ and he told me that where G was, and not intentionally either- he has no idea G and I have been seeing each other... but G is friends with this 20-something guy, and that guy's dad is JJ's best friend, so JJ was telling me his friend's house was "full of kids". I also know that G had mentioned going to another town on New Year's Day, and that's where Kitty lives, so I figured he'd probably be seeing her, and another girl next weekend. Since G didn't call me on Christmas, I really wasn't expecting him to call me and wish me a happy New Year either. But if I talk to him, I really don't want to sound like a complete loser.

In any case, all this sounds very negative, and I guess it is. I know that every year, I am hung up on some guy somewhere... and I realized how OLD that is. Like one year it was Frank, one year it was Alphie, then M, maybe Smitten, W, etc. etc. And really none of them come through so none of them are worth it. Yesterday I realized how much of an INDULGENCE it is to put all my attention on someone in this way... after all, next year it could be someone else! So I'm resolved not to do that anymore. And I'm not making that a new year's resolution- I'm just making it because it needs to be done, otherwise my life will just continue to be miserable.

So, a look at the year of 2010: the year I helped Nia with her new baby (he's a year old now!), the year I learned a lot from Shelby, and faced many of my own abandonment demons. The summer of hard work, and big seminars... so much hard work! Getting an additional job proved to be very stressful emotionally and physically. I did visit my sister Delia, and Red, and spent a lot of quality time with Thomas and Gia. Tried to have some dating experiences- Roc, HC, and G... although nothing really worked out. Altogether maybe a year of building foundations for other things?

For the coming year, I would like to establish more financial freedom. I would like to increase the income from my own business so I don't have to have a part-time job anymore. Overall working less time for more money! I'm also very determined to improve my health. That seems to have come into sharp decline, especially since I started working the pt job. I guess I would like to have some kind of relationship too, but I'm still kind of unclear about what that looks like. I have to say I'm a bit jaded.

Gail gave my info to some guy she knows that she insists is great, but since Gail and I have such dramatically different tastes in guys and their intelligence (I always hated Craig, her last boyfriend) I doubt very much that she has a good sense of someone who would match me. The guy contacted me to ask if I was going to Gail's for NYE, but I said no, I was open to meeting him but it would be some other time. Then he wrote back and suggested that since he lives 2 hours away (yeah, another guy that lives 2 hours away!) we could arrange to meet on a weekend sometime when he could come into my town or maybe we could meet halfway... the whole prospect didn't excite me much. It actually felt like a lot of pressure, and I realized that the concept of meeting this guy didn't bother me when it was a group thing, when Gail and other friends would be there. But the thought of doing the whole blind date thing- not appetizing. Meeting somebody you've never met before- and then being trapped into spending time with them. Especially since this guy would be coming from out of town, a 2 hour trip, so the chances of suggesting of meeting just for "drinks" - a half hour or whatever is one thing, but dinner or something? Crazy and I'm not into it. Usually when I meet a guy I would know within the first few seconds if I found him physically attractive. I guess honestly it feels like too much pressure, time and energy to invest in somebody I don't know, and I can't fully trust Gail's assessment of him for me because Gail doesn't really know what she's talking about when it comes to me and a relationship- I would never want the kind of relationships she lives in. So, I guess not. I have never had any luck with blind dates EVER- I would rather meet people in person and do it that way. Sorry!

But not really sorry.

Well I guess I should get some things done before I go to work!

Love,
Duck

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