Dear Diary,

Well I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated, but I guess I haven't had much to say. I've been doing my usual running around and being miserable.

I was at Thomas and Gia's for a few days- that was pretty good. I left Shelby a message that I was annoyed with him for never getting back to me... he called at some point and apologized to my voicemail. And that's how it goes. Really I guess I am writing him off as a friend. I understand he is married and that it might be quite possible his wife is some sort of drama queen (not about me but just in general- and I get the feeling that now they are living together it's a bit harder than either one of them thought). I get all that- and, I know that Shelby still finds time to do what is important to him and call his friends like Thomas back, so what the fuck? The fact is that he very specifically said he understood how I felt when people don't respond to me and that he was going to be careful about that, and then he goes and drops the ball. Every. Single. Time. So I just don't trust him.

I kept feeling like I was getting sick, so I tried to rest and eat garlic and vitamin C. It seemed to work because I was feeling much better but now it feels like it's coming back...

Gia, Thomas and Shelly and I had a little party one night, just the four of us. It was pretty fun just hanging out, eating and drinking and traipsing around Shelly's new place.

A couple of moments when we all needed support over the weekend. I got really angry about the Shelby thing and also have been processing a lot of grief too. I feel like it's blocking everything from happening in my life. I talked to Gia about maybe restructuring my life so I could work differently and make more money. She had some ideas that I think will be helpful if I can just get some things started. I'm having two business meetings next week so, that's good.

I've been working a ton at the pt job the last three days, I'm glad that's done. The owner of the company is pretty unbearable. My boss confessed to me last week that she has been looking for another job since October. I also know the receptionist had an interview today. Some other girl quit two weeks ago, and the shoes was fired a couple weeks before that. Basically the place is a sinking ship. Not that it matters to me... I guess I can ride it out until it gets unbearable, but really, I need to amp up my own business as well.

I had intended on going in tomorrow but I realize I should take a day off. I was really crying today. Had a conversation with Delia and realize she is not a good person to call when I'm not feeling so good about myself, she just is so sharp and mean often that it hurts more. I can actually see how I grew up with that constant sharpness, from both her and my father, and how painful it must have been for me as a little kid.

Went to another dress fitting with Steffy, I told her wow great let's get this one because this last dress was one of the cheapest ones and I am just tired of looking. I don't think I am going to fall "in love" with a bridesmaid dress, so I'm just giving up. Steffy has also given up on the idea of each of us having different dresses and different colors. She chose a style and a color. Apparently Babytalk was still having some issues and I could punch her in the face and say, you know what, it's not your wedding, shut up. Yes, that's where I am at this point.

It would be a lie to say I'm not a bit disappointed that I haven't heard from G at all either. We last saw each other a month ago. Maybe it's just... over. Which I guess is for the best if he truly is one of those "ambivalent" types. I haven't really been obsessing over him, actually- I've been pretty involved in my own life. Just every now and then I think about it, and... I'm a bit bummed. Feels safe enough to mention that here, I guess.

So that's my update. Not too exciting.

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