Dear Diary,

It's been the kind of last few days where I don't get much at all done- I sit in front of the computer at pt job and then I come home and sit in front of my computer here. Yesterday I did take the day off and didn't go, but I didn't do much here either. I haven't done laundry in weeks and weeks, I would probably be pleasantly surprised if I did have a slew of new clothes to wear.

I did try to motivate myself and I ended up finishing my taxes and sending everything off to the accountant. He seemed certain I would "get a lot back", but seriously it doesn't even look like I made that much, so I don't think his definition of "a lot" and my definition are the same.

So the taxes, anyway, I guess that was good. It is still January after all. I also cleaned the bathroom sink and did some dishes. Other than that I'm still living in squalor. I've been crying quite a bit too, but I guess it's the way I have to do it... I have to sit still long enough for the grief to creep up on me and come out... yesterday crying at television, today on the bus...

Other than that I guess I'm doing good.

Besides the fact that Steffy emailed and said we bridesmaids have to order our dresses and pay for them in full this week, as well as reserve a hotel room, buy an airline ticket and shoes... I guess I haven't been in too many "out of town" weddings, but the last one I was in- Nia and Lee's? I actually didn't have to buy a dress because I wasn't officially a bridesmaid (Nia had a "man of honor" who actually didn't do much... I was an alternate) and they paid for me to get my hair done AND they paid for my hotel room. I guess I thought (stupidly) that in most weddings SOMETHING is provided for the bridal party- like the bride pays for the hotel room or the little extras or something. I guess I've been spoiled! And this thing is fucking expensive! I guess asking someone to be your bridesmaid is really asking them, "Will you spend a lot of money to wear whatever I want you to?" Hum.

In any case, I'll probably continue to bitch about this until 3 months after the wedding, so y'all will just have to roll with it, okay? I actually had some kind of anxiety/panic attack when I saw that email from Steffy about all the things we have to purchase THIS WEEK. I had a hard time breathing and was seriously considering calling her and telling her I couldn't afford to be in her wedding. I'm still considering doing that, is it bad and rude? It might seem somewhat selfish because she does know I am going to take my vacation by visiting Keith in March, however all of this wedding stuff was an unforeseen expense (considering I didn't even know I'd be in it until Steffy called me on Christmas eve).

I actually didn't know what to do so I called my mom (never really a good idea when I am panicked). Basically my mom told me I should back out and then she went on to her problems and how Delia is mean to her and blah blah, yes I know Mom Delia has been kind of mean to me my whole entire life, haven't you noticed? I'm at the point where I avoid Delia's certain "moods" and keep a safe distance when she is in them.

So, wondering, is it rude to back out as a bridesmaid? Am I being unrealistic or is it just accepted that it's so expensive? What to do as a good friend? I just can't seem to get ahead in my financial life, and it's freaking me out.

Love,
Duck

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