Dear Diary,

I haven't been updating much and I used to be a twice-a-day kind of girl. I guess life just isn't that exciting right now.

Thank Rosie and Beanie for support and ideas about the wedding. I did write an entry a couple days ago but it didn't post- so I'll have to fill in from then. I called a friend that lives near the wedding location, a guy that grew up in the same neighborhood as me. I mentioned I was coming his way and thought maybe, I dunno, I might be able to see him for an afternoon or something. Turns out he lives 20 minutes away from the wedding locale and he said I could stay with him. I thought that was great, and I called Steffy to tell her. I emphasized that I was doing everything I could to BE in her wedding, and that I needed to cut some costs for myself so I'd be able to do it. She seemed disappointed, but really, I don't know what to tell her. If she wants me to stay in a specific place in a specific room for three days, then she should pay for it- bottom line. I think she is aware that I am the bridesmaid with "money problems". I might even have to tell her that I won't be buying shoes, but I already have a pair of shoes I am going to try to pass off as acceptable. We'll see.

Otherwise, I worked some long days after I returned from school and managed to squeeze in 45 hours total for the pay period- that's good but the money's basically all been spent. That's depressing, as now I owe the dentist, and my web designer (for a website I'm pretty sure I don't even like that much), I still have to purchase plane tickets and (supposedly) wedding shoes, and I lost a big deposit on a presentation that didn't happen, I have to refund quite a big sum of money. So basically I am sending everyone payments and no one is happy with the size of their payments, but hey, it is the best I can do. I have $107 in my savings account. Yes, that's my life savings right now, I am so holding back on everybody. Fuck off. Because I have a bunch of people who owe me money and they are not being so quick to pay me back, not even a little bit, so it doesn't help and it just sucks. About $725 is supposed to be in my hands right now, and when I sent polite emails to people requesting payments, even if they were small ones, I didn't get any reply. Maybe they are feeling scarce or like they can't do it but I wish they would at least RESPOND, or send $20, or something- but no responses is very lame.

Speaking of no response, I had a big boo-hoo about the way Shelby has treated me of late. I don't know why, but for some reason last night I got swallowed up in a wave of sadness. About the fact that despite all the things Shelby said about how he was going to stay connected to me and show me I was worth more than sex, he couldn't do it. And even though I know it shouldn't be taken personally because it's probably a skill that he just doesn't have, and I know rationally that he is living with his wife who might be a little crazier than he knew about... it fucking hurts. It hurts because it resonates with one hundred other incidents where I ended up feeling disposable because somebody decided I just wasn't worth returning a phone call to, or saying goodbye, or explaining the truth to. And although I could read thousands of books on self-esteem and how I have to love myself and it shouldn't matter what another persona does... when it happens for the hundredth time, it's hard to feel good about myself. It's hard to have faith in the world or believe that I'll ever have somebody special in my life. It is fucking painful. Still.

So I cried. A lot.

I guess it doesn't help that no, I still haven't heard from G. He's basically had a whole month off from school with winter break, and I guess I didn't come up on the list of people he wanted to see or even talk to. Again, hard.

I persevere in my life, carrying on with my lame job and my scrambling with the bills and trying to make it all work out. I take excellent care of other people and try to do a better job with myself. I get a lot of oohs and aahs about how amazing I am and yet it's not reflected in my personal relationship life. And I know it's my mistake for EVER using a relationship as a measuring stick for how worthy I am. But something must be wrong. If everything that is happening on the outside is truly a reflection of what's going on on the inside, then why can't I find loving companionship? It's a puzzle I can't solve. Where am I sabotaging myself? In what way am I not loving myself? At this point, I don't feel like I know any of the next steps.

Thursday I took the day off and Marva and Bethany and I hung out at Marva's. She has a new kitten which is super cute, and she fed us, which was nice. All and all I notice there seems to be a lot of grief going around in general.

I didn't go to work today because I've had cramps. They were so bad last month that I'm just trying not to move around so much this month- seriously, I notice if I walk around, stand up too long or start to get anxious about something, they get bad fast. So today I chose to lie in bed and tried to do some work online.

Bethany is giving me her card for the gym and I am excited about that. I do hope they don't require picture ID because I would really like to work out and at this point I can barely feed myself. I think it would be good for me to move my body, especially since I got on the shipping scale at the pt job the other day and realized I've easily gained another 5 pounds since the summer. On me this looks like 15 pounds. And, I remembering a time when I was almost 25 pounds lighter... I don't think age is an excuse either. I think I eat terribly, I really need to cut out the sugar and I don't know how to do that unless I do a fast, and right now I don't know if my body could handle a fast. So I'll have to figure something out.

Sigh.

Love,
Duck

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