Dear Diary,

Ugh.

That's what I have to say.

On the way to work today (pt job) Shelby called and I didn't pick up. He left a message that he was open to trying to find a time to work with me even though he was so busy. I am pretty disgusted with him and didn't pick up the phone at all. I guess I have to sort my feelings out about him. I say I don't trust him because of the way he acted. Then I second-guess my own feelings and question myself if I am being unrealistic. The line gets blurry for me between lover and friend. We were lovers of sorts and then supposed to be friends. At the same time I was paying him for services so I was his client. So what seemed to happen, to me anyway, is I tried to make an appointment but because I was a "friend" he didn't really bother following up with me so I waited weeks and weeks for an answer. Then I called and complained about that, at the same time not feeling valued as a friend either. So in no way do I feel valued-- that is the bottom line. I know that is a common theme to me so now I ask myself, am I blowing things out of proportion? I just hate when people don't respond to me. Friends or boyfriends! And Shelby did say specifically that he would not act like that. I don't want to be acting childish like I think he's my boyfriend or like I have some weird possession over him, but I wonder if that's what it is. I guess there are other friends that I would take with a grain of salt if they didn't respond, but they didn't specifically tell me they would stay in touch, and also they didn't work with me in a professional capacity. So I guess one of the big mistakes I made is mixing all those things together.

Interesting because I can compare it to my relationship with John; he wants to be my friend but at the same time he wants me to be his mother and his boss... he wants to hang out as friends but whenever we do I don't get to be a person- if I'm not who he thinks I should be, i.e., the person who takes care of things, and him... then he gets all upset with me and tells me I'm doing it wrong. As a result I am always babysitting and it's not an equal relationship for me. Am I doing the same thing to Shelby? In any case with John I just stopped inviting him to my house or including him in any outside activities because he obviously can't handle it. I don't want to be a John, so I wish I could just get clear about this situation.

In any case, I ran a couple of errands and then went to work. Things are getting quite stressful there. Three of the staff are gone on a business trip, which is ridiculous because the company has no money. Now our vendors are breathing down our necks because we are so behind. We are ruining all of our business relationships because the owner thinks he's on Entourage. So ridiculous, I have to remember I am just there to insure I get paid and stay the course and keep my eye on the prize! I don't need another thing to get stressed about.

There's plenty on my plate now... I have already meted out my next paycheck and I try not to dwell on the possibility that I won't be able to make rent. Ah, I guess time will tell...

Thanks Rosie for the suggestion of raw food cleanse, I would love to do it and just the idea of preparing salads ahead of time is good... since they stopped selling the lettuce I like at my grocery store I have really cut down my vegetables. It's not good.

I have severe doubts that just a "cleanse" diet will work though because I do have an eating disorder... it's hard to explain but... I have severe compulsions. Even if I don't have any sweets in the house, I will find something, anything- maple syrup, honey, whatever... and I will gulp it all down. I will walk to the corner store and spend my laundry quarters on candy. I will steal other people's food from work or eat whatever disgusting thing I can find. I've done it before. If I am eating, I want sugar. That is why I give myself permission to have certain sweets from the health food store because I would rather have something "healthy" than the garbage I would eat if there was nothing around.

So I am sick. Often I wish someone would just lock me in a room for three weeks and feed me specific things so I could stop. I am self-destructive and extremely unbalanced when I try to change my life without the proper things in place. Case in point: yesterday just writing that I was considering a fast put me into such a panic that I binged yesterday and today. I ate so much chocolate at work yesterday I was almost sick (someone gifted us a huge box at one of last week's meetings)- I didn't even want it but I just kept eating it, I guess out of fear.

It seems I have to be doing something extremely out of the ordinary to cut myself off from it. I know it sounds crazy. But the times I have managed to quit, I've either been at some seminar where they provide food for you and you are so busy that there's not time for much else, or, I've fasted. I'm not going to any far-away seminars anytime soon, so... at least the fast I did last time, I drank a specific drink every three hours and that kept me relatively full. There was a discipline to it- every three hours, drink this. In between, you can have this. I lack self discipline, especially with food.

So that is why I am leaning toward a fast. But I may still do the salad thing beforehand, without the threat of taking sugar away. Maybe if I just ate better things, I would feel better, and the healthy food would start to balance out the yucky stuff, and it would make it easier to either wean off sugar or do the fast. I like the idea of putting good stuff in one way or the other.

I also forgot to mention that last week I started another dating profile. The same thing happens to me though over and over again: none of the guys I like write me back. Only guys 20 years older than me message me, and I can tell in our exchanges that they are not going to get me at all. Most of them are very fake and ask very superficial questions. One guy even wrote that he got a full picture of me in his mind's eye and felt like he knew me completely. Oh, brother, you are so OFF. I sincerely doubt that he has any idea what he is talking about. Some men seem really angry- like one kept writing in his profile about how 30-something women want 20-something men (? I don't really think that's true) but don't we remember what men were like in our 20s? Okay, he could have written that once in his profile but he wrote it 3 times. So obviously he's really upset about it. Another guy wrote two paragraphs about how if women were upset that he had a shirtless picture of himself it was probably because they were a man-hater and all he was doing was showing how good he looks for his age-- he also seemed obsessed with proving how young and fit he was "for his age".

So I don't know- you would think by now I would have learned that online dating doesn't work for me? But I keep going back. I don't know if a guy for me could even be found there. The other night I just thought, again, that maybe I would have to accept that it's my lot in life not to have a partner. Maybe I'll be single for the rest of my life.

So that's what I'm dealing with.

I told you it was Ugh.

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