the story today [ 2011-02-12, 8:18 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,
Let's just call a spade a spade, shall we? I am not doing well at all in the food department. In the past two days I've started eating candy bars again, which is always bad news. It is a symptom, most likely, of some very deep rage and grief.

So, I could judge myself, or I can just keep moving forward. I've chosen the latter, which looks like this: I am dedicated to doing my anger work every day, which I've been successful with since Tuesday. I also have committed to dancing or exercising every day. Today I went to the gym and did almost 40 minutes on the elliptical. Considering how very out of shape I am, this is good.

The rule for now is I can eat whatever I want. The more space I give myself, the sooner this bingey bender is likely to peter out. I know from experienc that the more I try to contain it or make structure around it, the worse it gets.

I have to say I do feel better, just in the last couple of days. I am still eating horribly but there has been a shift in my overall emotional state... maybe even room for a little hope, which wasn't there before. Yesterday I went to the pt job, then to a consultation, then to Bethany's house to play poker. She has a group of friends she invites over every now and then to stay up late and play. I did enjoy myself and I have to say I think I should play more games in my life! Plus I went to bed at a decent hour (for me) and even though I was woken up by a little noise, a different bed, etc, I slept overall about ten hours. I actually think it is getting easier for me to sleep and that is a very good thing!

And I feel like I have a little more strength in taking control of my life and maybe there is something I can do to change all this - and that overall I will be okay.

So that's the story today. I am really proud of myself about the gym even though I could hardly stand to be there- I know it will get better. I want to think it will all get better...

Valentine's day coming and really I'm alright with being alone, aware that I have so much to figure out before I could possibly be with another person.

Love,
Duck

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