#2
Dear Diary,
I guess I have to go to bed earlier. It seems I will sleep nine or ten hours easily, but if I am at the pt job for the day, add in the commute and the gym and there's really not room for much more.
Yes, I went to the job today- I realize I actually like going on Mondays a lot, because there is only one other person there (usually there's two... but this week just me and another guy), we don't bother each other and I can do whatever I want, including my own work, so it's all fine.
I tried to call Emily today, but she didn't seem to be in her office. This weekend when I dialed her, her phone had that ring that means she's out of the country, so I'm guessing she's off spending time with Mr. G, her non-commital valentine.
The whole valentine thing- well it's okay, only I notice I feel like I can't call anyone because they must be busy on their own valentine's day, plus with some people I would feel some shame about the fact that I am not busy at all on valentine's day. I wonder if half my friends know how truly sexless I actually am.
What's the next step for me? I have no idea. I have been completely bingeing for the last three or four days, and I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. I just know on some deep level I must be very upset and I don't know how to deal with it or process it... I did a little anger work this morning but I need to do more. And I left work early enough to waddle over to the gym and walk on the elliptical for almost thirty minutes. I feel a bit better, nothing like the self I was a few years ago when I was working out two hours a day, 20 pounds lighter and able to wear jeans... ah maybe that day will come again. I would like to look better than I do now for a lot of reasons, but as an aside it would be nice if I did not have stomach rolls the next time I saw G, which will undoubtedly be in the spring.
I had lunch with Pia today. I honestly like her and it was good to hang out. She asked me about G and I gave her the lowdown. Like I said, there is part of me that feels bad about it but part of me that feels proud for walking away from yet another ambivalent man... especially one that's fucking lots of other younger girls. Oh well oh well.
I am different somehow, I know it. In the past I would have analyzed every minute about why he didn't call or who he was with, causing myself extreme pain. Sure G crossed my mind several, many times but I did not feel the level of OBSESSION I have felt in the past. That is a good, good thing. So I have that- however minute, however small, even if I am alone I don't have to feel THAT depth of pain ever again.
When I think of this, and how much I have struggled (and still struggling), again I realize how hard it must have been for the child me, the one that somehow twisted and adapted and made it through, and somehow so many emotional scars remained hidden for so long?? Such complex coping mechanisms... and there's that fear there that that really WAS my life, and it really WAS that painful, and I don't know why that scares me so much. I never wanted to be all victimy about it.
As for the wedding situation: I guess one of the girls picked out a shoe for the bridesmaids- not too bad, I think it will turn out to be $50 or so- even though I think they look like cheap prom shoes, whateva. I suggested that we put them in one order and have them shipped together to
save money (orders of $200 and up have free
shipping) but another one of the girls frowned on
that idea. Okay then. I feel like I am coming off
looking cheap, in reality I am just trying to save
some money... is that so bad? I will probably never wear these shoes again either, they look perfect for an eighth grader. At this point I am just throwing my hands up and saying whatever, with the intention of having very little to do with these wedding bitches until the actual day.
Yes, I said wedding bitches.
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