more, and more [ 2011-02-23, 12:05 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Away I go again, off to work...

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I ran some errands- took movies back to the library, and stopped to buy those shoes- only they were much higher than I remembered and terrifically uncomfortable. Ridiculous.

Work was the same. Stupid. That company is just limping along, but now the owner told me he wants to go on vacation for a few days. I told him I had just paid off the credit card we maxed out this month (it is A.merican Express and we are supposed to pay it off completely each time). To which he said, "Great! Then I have all new money." Which now when I think about it is truly ridiculous and shows some very poor thinking... we are massively in debt... owing our vendors and trying to pay off numerous credit cards, and somehow he believes he has "funds". He made a big deal out of telling me that he was taking "a young lady" somewhere but he didn't want the rest of the staff to know because "they weren't very mature". Uh. Okay- he's probably the least mature of anyone in that place. I mean, who goes on vacation when their company is on the brink of bankruptcy?

And, more squabbling among the bridesmaids- if you recall once the shoe question was settled, one of the girls then announced it was time to have a bridal shower. The other two girls responded, didn't we already do that? No, first girl says, that was a bachelorette party. Oh, says second girl, I thought that was the engagement party. So all of those three girls thought it was something different, and the first girl wants to throw another shindig, which just makes my head spin when I think about the cost. Luckily, Babytalk spoke up, and said that she might be out of the loop as far as bridal traditions were concerned, but so far the costs of this wedding were really stretching her, and she needed it to be clear what exactly were the expectations, especially financially. So I'm glad someone else spoke up about what is happening financially... at least I am not the only one struggling with all of this.

I finally heard from Emily, I guess she was traveling again. She is not really traveling for work anymore so I assume she is going to see Mr. G... traveling thousands of miles NOT to have sex or any affection.

A little later- got an email from Emily she was indeed out of town. I guess we are meeting tomorrow (or who knows? She can be really lame with messages). Also the first bridesmaid wrote back and told Babytalk that she is doing well and everything will be fine, and "finances are tight for everyone and that is just a fact." Which is such a bizarre response, what does that MEAN? It doesn't actually get specific about any of her concerns, so I'm not really sure. Is she simply saying, 'yes we are all in debt but must continue to spend more money'?!

Well whatever. I might be shunned by the others as the lamest bridesmaid, but I guess I just can't show up that way right now. I don't know why but I am continually enraged, and I need to handle my own shit. I think it's been a week now with no bingeing, no sweet snacks or candies, no cookies- not even "health food store" ones. And I went to the gym twice this week. I made the mistake of weighing myself last night and I was very sorry. Of course I haven't lost any weight yet. And I am totally perplexed that I weigh about 6 pounds less than my heaviest weight ever... 14 years ago I was eating to kill myself and I was so fat I couldn't see my feet because my stomach was in the way... well I am very close to that weight, I can see my feet, but my jeans don't fit and I am pretty chubby... but I don't think I look the same as I did back then. So maybe all the weight is distributed differently?

I guess I just have to give myself some time. I want to see and feel results right away and I guess that's just not how it works. I just have to stay on my course, particularly with the eating, and things will shift... they have in the past. It's a one day at a time thing.

There isn't much to look forward to for the rest of the week. I am most likely working the pt job tomorrow and Friday, and working for myself Friday night and all day Saturday. Sunday Elliot is coming over to have breakfast so I guess I'll be forced to clean my apartment. Then back to work on Monday to get in at least 45 hours (what I need to pay bills for the next week).

Oh yeah. I messed up, and bought a plane ticket for the wrong week to go to Serena's class. What am I doing to myself?? I don't know. I could have a coniption about how I've once again fucked myself moneywise, or I could try to figure this out.

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