Dear Diary,

Well I really should be sleeping... but obviously I'm not.

Today was my day off... sort of. I had agreed to meet Steffy to choose jewelry. This time I really corralled her in and made her choose. I could see her getting overwhelmed by so many options, to the point where she stops making sense. But I just won't have much more time to deal with this, so I voted for getting it done today.

My breakfast with Elliot was canceled, so there was no emphasis on cleaning the house. I did try to do a little- to my credit, I washed dishes and put away some clutter. My place is still pretty much an unbelievable wreck... do other people live like this? Hmm. I guess I have to work a little harder at not letting it get out of hand. I'll try to clean it up this week before I go.

Right now I'm so happy I can pay my rent and a bunch of other bills, life is starting to feel a little less pressured that way. By this week, I can pay the two clients I lost money on, and pay off my website bill. I can pay another installment on presentation space, and for the dentist... getting dangerously close to paying that one off, happily. Credit card and internet can be paid for the month before I go on vacation. Money set aside for phone bill. All is well, all is well. At least I don't feel dizzy anymore. The wedding stuff is still annoying, but I feel like I can handle it a bit better.

Steffy brought up the subject of money and the wedding. She asked me if I would like her to buy the shoes for me... I felt embarrassed and said that wasn't necessary. I mean, I guess it helps me in any way to cut expenses, but I feel quite self-conscious about being bailed out by friends and family, OFTEN. I don't like having that reputation. She did offer to help with the hotel too. So I guess we can see about that... but I'm going to try to manage the shoes myself. None of the stores in this area I have my size in the color I need, so I have to order mine online. One of the bridesmaids has already reported the shoes tend not to be true to size, so probably the best plan for me is to go and try on one of the wrong-colored shoes, see what size fits, and then order online. Kind of a pain, since it means more running around. But that seems to be my life right now.

I disabled my online profile. I never answered that guy back (the annoying one). I don't know if I'll hear back from the supposed nice one, but he has my email address anyway. I just think online dating is so not for me. I would dare say I hate it, yes I would. This has happened so many times, I feel like I want to meet someone, I put up a profile, having a profile actually creates more stress and pressure than I can bear (the pressure of making a fairly uninformed decision- maybe I just don't have enough information via computer to know if I like someone or not? Or maybe I am indeed afraid of intimacy. Probably a combination of both, but more the first one. I have actually met men I find attractive in real life, even though I tend to be attracted to the unavailable ones), it makes me entirely uncomfortable and unhappy as I struggle to figure out who I want to meet and who I don't, the people who I have a high attraction to never seem to like me back, I attract some severe lameasses, it all builds up and then I just shut down, ignoring my profile and eventually erasing it.

I guess I just have to learn that I won't necessarily find the guy for me online. I've never considered myself very normal and I don't say that in a self-deprecating way- it's just true. The things that concern other people- politics, public opinion, reputation, etc, tend not to matter to me at all. I have never been much of a drinker, small-talker, or a faker about anything. I am really interested in the substance of people, period. Online makes it very hard. The advertisement doesn't necessarily reflect the product.

The whole experience as usual has me questioning if I am indeed ready to be intimate with someone, but really, are you ever 'ready'? I mean, it happens when it happens. And it's been 3 years plus since my last serious relationship, and I've worked pretty hard on myself all this time, so I'm probably ready for some kind of new experience.

I noticed G on my g.mail chat feature, mine was set to invisible but his was often an orange dot, meaning idle, I guess. I told myself not to be disappointed, but made myself visible. Kinda forgot about it, but noticed today when I went back on that his had changed to a red dot, meaning 'I'm busy, don't bother me.' Maybe it had nothing to do with me, but the small part of me took it as a rejection nonetheless- I warned myself about that. Doesn't shatter me, but on some level makes me a little sad.

I'm just noticing this about myself.

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