Dear Diary,

Craziness...

Anyhow, I'm back with Gia and Thomas. I'll try to catch you up.

So, the whole G thing. That was the day I took the bus far to another town, attempting to be brave and do something new. I was trying to stay out of the sun since I felt like I'd had a little too much. I was wandering around some shops, and at some point I realized G had phoned and left a message. His voicemail: "Hi Duck, it's G, I just wanted to call and say hey and kind of explain myself or apologize for dropping out of conversation and connection with you. So I just wanted to check in with you and talk to you about that. So give me a call whenever- I hope you're doing well."

Yeah, so since I have such a weird memory about calendars, I know that the last time I spoke with G was December 17th. That's when I told him that if he was ambivalent about me, he shouldn't hang out with me. And three months later... I get this call. I was meeting Keith's friend to go to the beach, so I didn't call him back right away, but instead called him when I was on my way home.

He answered, and we chatted a bit about nothing. Then he apologized again- basically said something that our time together felt very real, and very intense, and made him uncomfortable. And he had decided he didn't really want to continue with me, but he didn't tell me. And he withdrew and had thought about calling me but hadn't done it, and he imagined that could have been hurtful so he was apologizing. I said thank you, I really appreciate you calling me, that takes a lot of courage. I said I just figured after what I said, he hadn't called because he had those ambivalent feelings, and he was just doing what I asked. We then talked about when we'd be at the lake this summer, and how he was trying to move out of his mom's place and get a place closer to the city, and random stuff like that, then we said goodbye, and see you whenever. Altogether totally cool and clear, but I found myself still left with a feeling of sadness. I think there was a part of me that had hoped that when I did eventually hear from G he would want me, and I was sad that was not true.

Even though I have been all right, and ultimately I know it is better for a man to walk away from me if he is not truly available in his heart and soul, I find myself drawn to this "rejection" part over and over again,almost like an addiction. I'm starting to realize maybe all these years I have been addicted to feeling bad. This new conversation felt like "rejection" all over again, and my mind was really hung up on it, but it was different because I could kind of watch myself get hung up on it...so kind of like I am truly changing, I have a choice whether or not I want to hurt so bad. It's still tempting to hurt bad, because it's familiar. But part of me realizes it's not necessary.

So as soon as that happened I called Thomas, and that's when we had our good conversation. That helped me feel better, and I told Thomas that maybe somehow I was indeed changing, because usually men left and I never heard from them again,but this one had actually been a man and called me (late- but, whatever) and taken responsibility for his actions and hadn't been a complete dick. See, I told you G was a good guy. But, apparently he's still not the guy for me.

Anyhow. The next day was my last visiting Keith, I basically only saw him for 20 minutes in the morning, then went to the beach all day, swam in the ocean- which was truly delightful and gave me so much joy, and had dinner with a friend. Got home on the late side and packed up all my stuff quite neatly and prepared for flying the next day. I offered to take the bus to the airport since Keith had exhausted himself all week and driving me there seemed another burden. So we said a sweet goodbye, I do miss him when we part, even though he often drives me nuts. Traveling and flying all went okay, Gia and Thomas picked me up and I felt like I was back home.

The next day Gia took a look at my hip and helped me with that. I had pretty bad cramps as well as still recovering from my cold, so couldn't do much. Thomas was home and he played some board games with me and hung out- it was fun. He also read my cards and all my cards say what Pia has been saying- that I will be making more money soon and also will be in relationship with a younger man. Well, we'll see! We went to the study group in the evening, and again today. I like it a lot, and feel like I'm getting so much out of it.

One more day of study group then I'll be flying home on Monday... back to work. Kind of hoping I can change my life from this point, and start fresh.

Love,
Duck

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