semblance of rest [ 2011-03-30, 10:52 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

My life is so fucking boring, I know. All I do is work. This is not the life I wanted for myself. Really, I am not happy and haven't been for such a long time. But I feel so trapped by my circumstances. I know that is never really true for anyone, but I am wondering what do I truly need to do to get out of debt and change my life? Do I really need to stop running on this little hamster wheel? Is it possible that it could all be a hell of a lot easier for me?

Today I hit my wall with the pt job. I have officially now worked 7 days in a row, some of those days were 9 or 10 hour days, some possibly longer. Last night, for instance, I had just enough time to come home, take a shower, make food for the following day's lunch, and go to bed. Wah-fucking-hoo.

Today was 9 hours at pt to total 42 hours for the pay period. So, that will be a bit below what I normally aim for, but will give me some cash to pay what I gotta pay. I was definitely losing my sense of humor, my body and soul are exhausted, and tomorrow is officially my day off. I am not going anywhere nor doing anything for anybody else.

And, I really really would like to have sex. I wish I could meet someone, even if he wasn't boyfriend material, that didn't skeeve me out or make me feel totally used. Oh well. In any case, I'm doing a cleanse and will probably be somewhat disgusting over the next few days. Hopefully I will feel better sometime soon, about everything- my body, my energy, my life in general.

Just realizing how little happiness I truly have at this moment... and I need sleep. Desperately needing sleep.

Rather than treat myself by "staying up late", I'm trying to keep a similar schedule so my body can even manifest a semblance of rest.

Love,
Duck

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