Dear Diary,

Getting it all done as I normally do... Thursday I had two independent clients so I didn't go to pt job. It felt good to get the house clean and everything that needed to be done, but I was totally wiped out by the end of the day. All I wanted to do was come home and take a bath in my (newly clean) bathtub. When I got home I started the hot water and poured in a ton of Epsom salt. However when I went back to look, there was stuff floating in the water... dirt or something. Which didn't even make sense since I had scrubbed that place ridiculous! The pipes at my place are bad, I'm not always sure what to do.

I was too tired to clean again, so I just went to bed. Next day was a half day off, I went to the movies with Freddy, a work colleague. He is cool, hard to figure out a lot of the time. I can't figure out if maybe he's bisexual, and maybe if he's somehow attracted to me. I'm not attracted to him, but I worry about sending any wrong messages. After the movie we got a little food. On Friday all I ate were bananas, grapes, salad, and a spoonful of almond butter.

I worked at night and then went to meet Steffy and the girls for the bachelorette party. The great thing was that after all my bitching, it wasn't much of a party anyway. Steffy gets up really early for work, they had been drinking and eating and basically were waiting for me to get there so they could wrap it up and go home. There wasn't any dancing or craziness, just sitting in a restaurant for about 20 minutes. So, all my whining for nothing. And from now on I am going to try to be more positive about things. We are, after all, in the home stretch. I just have to pay to get my dress altered next week, and there is the matter of the hotel, but I guess that will be settled later.

I even got home at midnight, a totally decent hour, so that was cool. This morning I woke up sans alarm at 8am. Even when I get to bed late, this seems to be the case. I am hoping that my body is balancing out?

I had a conference call at 10am. If you remember Maryanne (she lives with Roc)- she asked me to be part of a leadership group at a women's conference at the lake this summer. I don't know why but it just appealed to me this year, I wanted to do it. Last weekend we had a conference call as well. There were two hitches. I had been really excited about the fact that several of the women running it last year didn't seem to be on the leadership committee this year. They were a real drag, in my opinion. Unfortunately, one of them came back... she's really pretty negative and harsh and she kind of taints the whole bucket. I'm hoping we can still create something good despite her negativity and anger leaking all over the place. Kitty, the girl who was also seeing G last fall, was also on the call. This morning when we met, one of the other women mentioned that Kitty had sent her an email that stated she decided not to be involved with the event. I'm pretty sure I was a factor in that decision.

If you remember, Kitty and G dated over the summer, he broke up with her because he no longer wanted to be monogamous, and she was kind of a wreck. Then I guess somehow she convinced him that she could see him even when they were non-exclusive, although I've always believed she was just hanging on and hoping he would change his mind (I should know, I think I wrote the book on hanging on and hoping). She wrote me to say she was considering coming to one of my presentations, and, in fairness I let her know that G had asked me out and I had said yes. Well she never responded to me, instead she drove right over to G's house and slept with him. I found it all kind of amusing. Really, I must be getting better, because I am not at all threatened by her youth or her beauty. I feel like I recognize my younger self in her, a woman of desperation who sold herself out and got nothing but pain. I kind of feel like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, when the younger girls steal her parking space and say, sorry lady, but we're younger and faster. And later, when Kathy purposefully smashes her car into theirs, she says, "It's alright, I'm older and have better insurance." Now I feel that I just don't care- I have better insurance, more knowledge of myself, more substance within myself, and I am okay. No matter what.

Anyhow. The thing at the lake- I think it will be okay. I went to pt job, fooled around there for awhile. Having some bad cramps, so I can't wait to get home and relax. Tomorrow is a day off!!

Love,
Duck

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