Dear Diary,
I am at Thomas and Gia's. Most of my friends here basically told me I should have slept with Steffy's brother because what is the big deal. But they also don't know Steffy at all. She gets weird about certain things, and since I have a history of triangulation in my relationships, I really don't want any more complications. You know?
But I really should have some sex. I mean really. Now it's just getting ridiculous. One of my friends and I had a really honest conversation and he was encouraging me to explore and experiment and have sex with people. But, I had to explain my past history and how I have in the past gotten so entangled, oftentimes with people I don't even LIKE... just because I had sex with them. I guess it's from being severely underparented and having longing for connection and... somehow physical intimacy was just too intense for me to be casual about.
I know, I have changed a lot and maybe I am completely different now... I mean things that used to upset me or even devastate me often don't even have much of an effect anymore... so most likely I wouldn't crumble or become too obsessive after sleeping with someone... but I do have an intense fear about it. I guess part of me doesn't even know how much I've changed and I just assume that I will always be the same and it will always hurt.
Thomas' friend came over today and he is cute as hell. He's in a relationship but if I'm not mistaken I think he finds me fairly attractive... and that's nice. Maybe I'm cuter than I think I am?
More advice from a friend... to appreciate my own beauty. It is true that as a teenager, and later in life, I was so harsh and critical of myself. When I see pictures of myself then I can see how beautiful I really was... I was never as fat or ugly as I thought. Just self critical. So now- I am as young as I'll ever be. So I should really enjoy it.
I'm committed to recognizing my own beauty.
And I took a yoga class today. It was like a very relaxing drug... awesome. I need to commit to that too.
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