Dear Diary,

Today I did quite a bit, including stopping at the bank, going to the store to return the jacket I bought, going to the pt job, and going to work after that. Yes, all on a Sunday!

Not to mention I was having a really weird dream this morning. There were a lot of parts, but here's the gist of the dream: I had some kind of job, but I was somehow involved with an attractive young guy, I think he was in a band. I left the job to go be with him, and I remember thinking that I had only worked an hour and a half, I was kind of shirking my work duties (much like real life when I hardly worked when Gia was here, or even much last week). I had some kind of contract that he signed (for his band?) and then he buried it in the dirt because there wasn't time for me to bring it back to work, I would need to get it later. Someone came by as we were burying it so we kissed and just acted like lovers to create a distraction. Then we went to some party, or meeting, I'm not sure... but it was almost like a backroom during prohibition, and as we went in I had my hand in this guy's pants and I was playing with him and acting in a very seductive manner, however at the same time I was thinking, "Am I really wanting sex, or am I just being seductive?" And it was weird because it was as if my body were doing all these things while not really knowing if my mind wanted to do them. Of course I'm playing with this guy's business and he says, "I want to get laid," and I'm aware that I'm not even sure I want to have sex with him... when I woke up I was rather disturbed, and I thought, well there's a sex addiction dream for you!

Okay, I decided to return the jacket. B came over yesterday and I showed it to him. He said it really didn't look like my color. Not only that but while trying it on I realized there was a mark on it. Plus there was just the stress of money right now. I don't know why, but I just felt better returning it. I guess I just felt it was an unnecessary purchase. It was a nice jacket, but maybe too dressy and I need something to wear outdoors and not worry if it gets wet. I don't know. I feel like I have so many other expenses and I need more money than I have right now! I kept the dress that I bought, though... and even B saw that and agreed that it "looked like me".

Yesterday was a long one and when I have a long Saturday sometimes I just feel like punching someone out. I saw John and there is definitely something going on with him. He doesn't hug me hello anymore and he has refrained from attending any work events. That is all fine because I will never give him what he wants- I think he was in some kind of fantasy for a very long time that I was going to fall in love with him or something. Which is ridiculous because he is so uptight and unhappy that he really doesn't have much to offer anyone. In any case, Gail flaked out on me and some other girl was having a problem (she ALWAYS has a problem) so yesterday I was just bemoaning how I seem to have all these difficult people in my life... it was just a drag. I don't feel like I have the energy for them.

I went to return my jacket and there was a guy outside the store that started talking to me- actually it was more like he was pushing into me with all these questions. I realize now that it is some kind of forceful pickup technique. I was trying to get into the store and he said, "It's closed. What you doin'? Are you returning something?" I said yes, but he kept asking me questions and I said I had to go to work- he started asking me where I worked and what did we sell and the weird part? Was I was ANSWERING his questions. It's like he was pushing into me and I became really pliable, I knew I wanted to get away but I was still trying to be polite. Why? He was a rude motherfucker and he didn't care about me. I wish sometimes I could be the kind of person who could immediately tell somebody like that to fuck off.

Anyway I went and bought tacos for lunch and made my way to work, it just seems that now my commute is longer than ever and it is a drag! No one was at the office because, duh, it was Sunday. So I didn't really do anything work-related but for all intents and purposes I was there, at work. I did some computer work for my own business, emails and such, spoke on the phone, in general felt kind of lousy. Left at 6pm to go to the dance studio for an hour (commitment to exercise) and then to work... that was okay... but somehow in the end I'm still feeling broke. How could that be?

I guess it wasn't too helpful to go out to dinner with Steffy and the girls, I had to leave earlier than everybody else and left money for my dinner, but I left more than enough of my fair share because no one had any change for me. Actually I announced I was leaving and nobody really paid attention, and I tried to see if anyone had change but no one paid attention to that either. I guess another instance where I kind of faded into the background and didn't speak up.

Dammit.

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