Dear Diary,

Okay I am really doing it, finally, an update! The week went by and I was sick for all of it. And crampy for some of it. Hard to be in Gia's house because she was really depending on me to help her get ready for the weekend. Gia has this thing about "now I have to do it all myself because no one else is competent", which is frustrating because it was all so mysterious to me- my attitude was, "tell me what needs to be done and I will help you!" So we really had to sort that out and I ended up cooking a bunch, doing laundry and stuff like that. Still the two of us were up a bit too late on Thursday night and awake a bit too early on Friday morning! Somehow we got it all done, and met Thomas at the seminar. It was fun; would have been better if I wasn't sick, but I still had a better time than I thought I would.

We returned on Sunday. We were all wiped but Gia was especially out of sorts. Cooking together, and lying around watching movies was the order of the day.

Last night I flew home. Landed an hour and a half earlier than I thought I would, I had told B the wrong time so he was nowhere near the airport. I had brought cab money just in case he couldn't pick me up so I just used that. Tried to get to bed immediately, got up at 6:45, saw a client at 8am. I know, can you believe this is ME saying this?! In any case, just having that morning client gives me about as much cash as working 20 hours at the pt job. I did go into the office- it took me forever to get there, but once there I was able to slice easily through my pile of work in about an hour and a half-- amazing, everything was just flowing easily, numbers were adding up, documents were where I needed them to be. It was like the Universe was helping me get out of there as soon as possible!

Oh, found out something else- the receptionist got another job, I guess she quit after I left, her last day is tomorrow. So that's two people gone this month!

I realized how guilty I feel about stupid shit all the time. Like I feel somewhat guilty about not being at home. Here's my ridiculous thinking: my rent is not that expensive considering the area where I live. Obviously it is still a challenge for me to make rent and travel for school and everything. Still I feel that I am getting away with something because my landlord is too shy to ask for more rent. So somehow I think I am supposed to be around all the time and I told the super I would help plant flowers in the front but that was back in May. Last night when I got home I saw pallets of flowers but I knew I would not have time to help since I had less than a 24 hour turnaround time. So I tried to sneak out but felt bad that one, my landlord probably knows I am gone and maybe thinks how can this girl take so many vacations, when does she work, she probably makes lots of money and should pay more rent. (Yes. That's where my mind goes).

Then I feel guilty about pt job because yes, I did tell them I would be gone for 10 days and back today, however I did not tell them I wasn't coming back until next week. Oh well. I did finish a bunch of stuff that had piled up over more than a week in less than two hours, so technically I think all will be fine. Also the place is so in flux - the owner has been away for a month, two people are leaving, and my boss just took some days off to get married. So maybe they all just won't notice. Hard to tell at this point.

Really, I tell myself, there is no reason to feel that way. I pay rent and it is the rent they ask me for. I am a good tenant in a lot of ways and have never caused problems, so sometimes that is worth its weight in gold. And one of the reasons I started my own business was so I could manage my own time. I hate feeling beholden to anyone or anything! I don't know, most likely my boss won't care at all. I know she has been looking for a new job too and as long as I'm not fucking up royally it doesn't matter that much.

Arrived at the lake some time ago. Had dinner with Marianne and some of the girls, then got here, walked down the road to see Doug. We had a good time sitting and chatting. I told him that some people thought we are having an affair. He asked if maybe we should? I said I didn't think so, since what if it didn't work out, then it would be weird. All I could think about was how uncomfortable things are with G now. I wouldn't want that with Doug too!

So that's on the shelf for now. We talked about other stuff too, I told him about the Terrible Thing That Happened (at the lake, so as not to be confused with other terrible things that happened). He had never heard so, there was that. He was supportive.

I guess G and some of the other younger guys were just next door in the guest house. I was okay with it, emotionally- not feeling sad or anything, but more aware of that pervasive feeling of enmeshment that exists at the lake.

And so it is.

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