hopefully... [ 2011-06-22, 6:32 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I am on my way to the physical therapist again and hoping she can actually do something to make me feel better. The one day my throat didn't hurt was Sunday, then Monday and Tuesday it started up again. I didn't go to work on Monday but even with that day of rest it's not like I have felt significantly better. I went yesterday, but first I stopped at the department store to try a dress I really liked online (didn't fit- the small was actually too BIG- glad I didn't order it online like the other dress that was my reward for not eating sugar that ended up being too small- how depressing!), then I went to get my eyebrows done which was the most painful it's ever been and I'm wondering what's up with that, maybe my body is really sensitive because I've been sick for so long.

After work I actually went to dance class, because the teacher is here in town now and I really thought maybe some exercise would be good for me- I was winded after 20 minutes, seems I still have something in my lungs and have very poor breathing capacity. I left a half hour early because I was just tired and wanted to go home. Watched my shows online and stayed up a little too late I confess. I think I do that when I feel that I haven't had enough time to myself, it is a way that I try to "claim" something enjoyable for myself. I guess I have to make space for that somewhere else in my life so I don't have to take it out of my resting time.

So I am on my way to see physical therapist, then I am supposed to have lunch with one of my former classmates from high school (we became friends at the last reunion). I am a little cautious because I'm not really clear if he has some kind of crush on me or not. He married a girl from our high school class, they've been together since college. He hasn't really said anything but I just get a distinct impresssion from them that they are not close and there is some kind of rift. I don't find him particularly attractive in that way and I'm certainly not interested in dating a married man (again).

Speaking of which, I saw Shelby and his wife last weekend at the big todo I went to with Thomas and Gia. Gia had actually asked me how I felt about the fact that I would see Shelby's wife there- I replied that I felt fine about it. It was a little awkward for me when we drove into the parking lot and she was one of the first people we saw... in hindsight perhaps I was making the wise decision to hang back and let her set the tone. Which she did, she came up and hugged me and greeted me with a warm hello. Later at lunch time she approached me and was chatting with me about this or that. I wasn't feeling well in the beginning of the day so I don't know how good of a companion I was. But later in the day we were standing in line together (she had asked me to save her a spot) and then we sat next to each other. I was feeling better so we were laughing and talking. Then I lent her a hairband and some body cream. To look at us, a normal person probably never would have guessed that she had agreed I could sleep with her husband if I wanted (which technically I did not- "all the way"- maybe that also makes it easier for her). I think Gia was especially watching us because she is always looking for some drama particularly around the realm of sex and relationship. In which case Shelby's wife and I must have been extremely disappointing.

Seeing Shelby was also okay, he was busy directing things and therefore not really available on any serious level.

Talked to Gail yesterday and caught up with her. She seems to be her usual self and that means I really didn't have enough energy to talk beyond 30 minutes or so (I think we spoke for about 40- which means I probably got 10 or so and she got the rest). In any case I was telling her about seeing G and she seemed very clear as well that it was "my stuff" which is feedback I've also gotten from others, I don't know why but it makes me a little depressed to think that it's my stuff, I'm the one with the broken separator and I have the problem letting go. Obviously it's true since G never called me since December and made the decision he didn't want to be with me. He's had all that time to think new thoughts, sleep with other people, get on with his life. He has not been dreaming or longing for me- that is what my young self wishes!! It is embarrassing to admit but, hey, this is a diary. It is not even so much about G because I can look at him and know I am not missing much- he is most likely, as confused and unhappy as I am. It is just the old way my body reacts to rejection, and relationships. I try not to feel bad about it.

Later- had the physical therapy, I might be a bit better- not sure- it was emotional. Then had lunch with high school friend. That was cool and relaxed, no worries... I don't think he is planning on seducing me anytime soon. Went to pt job, did basically nothing while pretending I was doing something. Had a talk with Gia as I had asked her to consult with me regarding work and some other aspects of my life. That was good and insightful. Sometimes I know that Gia is just waiting tell me something about myself, she is waiting for the right time when I can hear it. This was one of those times. A lot of places where I am just not responsible because I don't know how to be... places where I have to learn to better communicate and be clear and have better boundaries.

So much today, I am going home, not to dance class. I need more rest and hopefully a hot bath.

Love,
Duck

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