lots of truths [ 2011-06-24, 1:21 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I talked to Pandora on the phone, and later on Serena, which helped a lot. For some reason it felt necessary to "check in" with Serena and tell her what was going on with me. I also told her about some possible suspects I had for my childhood trauma. The one that Serena said stood out the most was my next door neighbor's grandfather. He would take us camping a bunch of times in the summer, and since one of my grandfathers lived out of state and the other had died when I was much younger, I kind of adopted him as my own grandfather. Although I don't remember any specific touching incidents, I do remember the following which I told Serena about:

1. Him telling us to close our legs when we got out of the pool because "you could see everything", which of course implied he was looking between our legs

2. Him describing in detail how he would like to punish his other granddaughter, my best friend's cousin, by pulling down her pants and spanking her after he had wet his hand

3. Him once walking in on us changing and him telling us that it was okay to change in front of him, he wasn't a dirty old man

4. Him kissing us but insisting on kissing on the mouth, and his was always very wet. I remember I was always grossed out by this but did it anyway.

At the time of these events I was between 10 and 12 years old, possibly younger.

When I told Serena those points she said NO, NOT OKAY to every one of them. Somehow just hearing that feedback from her calmed my nervous system and made me feel a whole lot better. There is a way someone could hear a story or two and say, oh you are probably just overreacting, little girl, you are confused. But when you add up several stories and in every one of them I am feeling skeeved and uncomfortable by his words, energy and actions then that is something to look at! And it feels so good, even now, to have an adult (Serena) say, "that was inapproppriate".

Added to that are some additional memories of that period of my life:

1. Suddenly becoming uncomfortable around my father; having a resistance to cuddling with him or even be alone with him in the car. I didn't have a word for "molested" but I remember there was "a thing", a visceral feeling I was afraid of... probably a result of something that happened on those trips

2. Being sent to a social worker by my 5th grade teacher. I don't know what he saw, but I feel like he must have noticed something to suddenly recommend I go into therapy.

3. By 12 years old it was overwhelming to be in my own skin and I was suicidal.

I don't know why I don't remember specific incidents, but it doesn't surprise me either. When that Terrible Thing happened at the lake, I actually woke up and thought, "This can't be happening. This can't be happening HERE." and I actually fell back asleep for a minute. So I imagine my power of denial could be even stronger if I was a child who just couldn't handle that someone who was supposed to be loving and protecting me was actually doing just the opposite.

Another clue? That I've never told anyone. A lot of my sexual arousal ia actually connected to fantasies that are very similar to being molested. Somebody else in charge, me powerless, being forced into pleasure in a way I both like and dislike- my will overrun. Sound familiar? When I mentioned that to Serena she very calmly said, "Yeah. That comes from somewhere."

Lots of affirmations. Lots of hope. Just trying to stay with it. Unsure of what to do in every moment, but feeling like less is more. I'm hardly working, have barely been in the pt office, just canceled another presentation on Sunday. Just needing the space. I'm going back to the lake for a week to be with the kids, it will be work, but maybe instrumental in letting my young self heal.

Healing is happening, one day at a time.

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~