yes, I did that bad thing [ 2011-07-07, 12:41 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I am feeling pretty grumpy today.

Yes, I've been gone a week. Up at the lake with a bunch of the younger people. It was really good hanging out, for a lot of reasons. I got a lot of good insights about how much I trust groups- or not. In any case, I feel pretty supported by the younger generation there.

G was there too. It was easier to be around him this time than it was a couple of weeks ago. It's still not like it used to be, but it's a little less awkward. He actually apologized again for "running away from our connection". It's nice to have somebody who actually acknowledges that's what he did.

After the weekend I rode back with a bunch of the guys. There was a big party at one of the houses. I'm so obviously not 20 years old anymore, I stayed up way too late for too many nights in a row (most likely why I am so grumpy now). But it was fun. Slept in late on Monday, had breakfast and an impromptu bbq with the crew, saw some fireworks, made it home, late again. Altogether good for me.

Um, and yeah, I did this perhaps unethical thing. While at the house, I went to look at my email and G's email came up, open. He hadn't closed it. I just found myself SOOO curious. And then I saw it. An email from Pandora. So I read their exchange. Basically her asking him if he wanted to hang with her and have some kind of "experience"... and him saying he didn't think so. Him saying that his heart had been broken a few times, that he'd been dating women older than him but there was such a lifestyle difference- him not having a car or money or even living by himself- that made it difficult for him. And that he was seeing somebody now he kind of had a thing for (I'm guessing this is one of the girls in the gang, whom I love dearly- but she is his age and it looks like they've just started hooking up). I found that relieving because maybe it helps explain why G ran away from me. What is slightly unsettling is that Pandora was supposedly a close friend, I mean I have been sharing a lot of stuff with her, and now she was propositioning a guy I was intimate with... was she going to tell me? Perhaps she was going to get the definite yes or no first before telling me, but still. Makes me wary. And more convinced that I need to create a relationship outside the lake. So yes, I did that- think it's bad? I don't know. In the end it made me feel better about G and me.

Have gone to the pt office a couple days in a row, can barely stand to be there. Saw two private clients in the past two days and another one tonight, so I'm a little tired. Don't want to go into the office at all, but said I would. Dammit.

Then tomorrow, I'm off... I'm getting cramps! UGh.

Love,
Duck

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