Dear Diary,

The past two days I have been lying in bed, and napping a lot. And yesterday I told my sister Delia about being molested by my best friend's grandfather. And she was very supportive. She actually said she was happy for me, because I finally had some answers. We both knew I always knew that something happened, but in the past weeks it is just Real. I don't know how else to explain it.

After talking to her I felt weird, kind of like I felt after talking to Serena. My body feels somewhat numbed and shocked, I sat on the floor and touched all my craft things and I was transported to my childhood bedroom, touching my things, playing with my toys, feeling them but not feeling them, realizing that I had probably been wandering around in shock for years, disconnected from my body, my self.

I took a long nap and felt better. Answered some emails and did the littlest bit of work in between watching shows online. Made some steak and ate that. Fell asleep with all the lights on. Woke about ten this morning, breakfast, and only a few hours later napped again. Dreamed about G, that he confronted me on trying to control him (magically, somehow)... he could sense what I was doing and explained that he was not interested, it was not a two-way circuit. I felt some shame at being caught. Like in real life, I don't want to want him, and the rational part of me doesn't even do so. It's some wounded child part of me that holds on long after it doesn't make sense anymore. In real life, I can feel how closed he is to me.

And I want to be over it.

Working on it- maybe that's why I need to sleep so much.

Love,
Duck

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