hard feedback from a friend [ 2011-07-11, 11:28 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Not feeling so great today. I have been going to bed later and later, chatting with friends on FB, watching shows online.

I went out in the sun yesterday- that was nice. I also did go to work (my own) and it was the first day I had been out of the house in a few days. So it's good to make money.

Thomas called me in the morning. I was glad he did and I told him about my latest discoveries. I thought it was just a friendly catch-up call, but then later on Thomas said he had something to talk to me about. Apparently, I've been really annoying and triggering him the last couple of times I've stayed at his house. He said the last couple of times, especially the times I've stayed longer, I've been really needy and this triggers him. Honestly last time I could see, I was sick battling an infection and also having cramps/feeling depleted so, I guess it is really hard for me to act adult in a situation like that. But honestly I don't remember much of what happened the month before. Anyway, I know Thomas loves me, but it's just terrible to hear. Especially when I can't control it- when I am sick, I am sick and I just don't have the same abilities I do when I am well. I told him that the last time I was there, I really only felt tension with Gia, it felt like being in my parents' house, and that I didn't know what was expected of me, only that I was doing something wrong and people seemed unhappy with me (so yeah, that's the young part of me that comes up and tries to make everything better by washing the dishes or something, but it doesn't address the real problem).

Gia did mention last time that sometimes the tension I feel is real, because Thomas won't say some things out loud, instead he will just be angry and silent about it. For instance she finally informed me that if I was washing the knives I should dry them right away and put them back in the block or on the knife rack, because Thomas is very particular about his knives and wants them to stay sharp. Apparently this was really bothering him but he wouldn't say anything to me, maybe he was just complaining about it to Gia behind my back, assuming I should know better? But I really didn't know. And I think Gia wanted to assure me that when I feel tension sometimes it is accurate, it is not just my child self projecting stuff. I think she felt put in a hard position because she was watching something going on, knowing Thomas was upset and knowing that I was scared but nobody was saying anything.

In any case, I'm not really sure what I did in May. I wasn't sick or crampy. But somehow Thomas was upset with me.

At the time he told me this I just felt awful. I also get really confused because I rack my brain about what I might have done (he just said I was "needy"), and then the fact is I was really trying last time, despite being sick. I knew they were probably both disappointed in me arriving at less than full capacity, and I was really trying to be productive and helpful.

He also said there is some kind of seductive way that we both end up acting like little kids together, and he participates in it too. This seemed to resonate with the dream I had about G, in which I was trying to get him to like me again, and he called me on it and I felt ashamed. I was not liking myself much during this conversation with Thomas.

Which was perhaps ill-timed. I have been feeling raw from all the emotions and stuff I have been processing around being molested, realizing how this has affected my whole life. Already things are unraveling and feeling strange, and then I get this feedback... it felt like a little much to tell you the truth!

Even though I know Thomas told me because in truth he has been avoiding me; we have not talked in a long time. And honestly he wants our relationship to get better- he wants to act better, and he feels he does not act well with me. That he doesn't know how to interact with women unless it's about sex, and he feels that a lot of our interaction is not "clean". I know that is a big problem for him and obviously I have been looking at my own flirtation addiction myself, how I do shit like that without even recognizing that I do it. I guess it's really being put in my face now...

But it didn't feel good. And I even notice that I wake up not feeling so good. And I really ought to go to work. There's a lot of things I should do.

Love,
Duck

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