shame [ 2011-07-22, 12:10 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I just shocked myself by waking up at noon. There is no good reason for it either- I've just been staying up too late, even though I am tired and could probably go to bed by 11pm, I am back in the bad habit of fucking around. No good.

I also ate a whole box of "healthy" cookies last night, but cookies nonetheless. I am not feeling good about myself, and not sure why exactly I made that choice. Maybe I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Had crazy dreams, I know Gia was in one and something about Terry's wedding or bridal shower and I wasn't invited, but I was driving by with another friend and just shouting hello. Then a dream that I was helping Howard to process, but Howard turned into this other friend from high school and I gave him a necklace and bracelets to wear around the house... anyway, none of it makes sense now that I've woken up. Oh also there was something about tarot cards in there, that Serena had taken mine and let people use them, but they weren't treating them well, some girl named Hannah bent the corner and was about to write on one of the cards, and I said NO and she was like, it's not a big deal, and I said, I don't care you are not ruining my cards.

I'm not really sure how my week got so out of hand. I know I haven't been doing well on bedtimes. I've only been going to pt job 2 hours at a time. I'm doing little projects everyday, and not really fucking anything up, but I'm not really there, maybe, when people might need me. I don't know if that will affect things or not. Friday I created a last-minute presentation, it went okay, but kind of stressful as far as wondering if anyone was going to show up! Saturday I did work, for myself and for pt, and then went to dinner and a show with B and his girl- even though his girl left the show during intermission and didn't come back. That was all okay. I like her all right, but it seems she wants to talk about boring things in general- she wants to tell me all about her dietary this and that and really, I don't care too much.

On Sunday morning I was up early and went to Gail's house- we went to the beach all day, which was good. In the morning we did a process around M and Craig. Because we were both talking and neither one of us felt like we had closure. So Gail spoke her mind and then I pretended I was Craig and I apologized and said all the things I knew Gail would've liked to have heard from Craig- that he was sorry, that she taught him so much, that he was really afraid, etc. Then we switched and Gail did the same for me, where she was M. She apologized for being a coward and running away, for not returning my phone calls or my personal things, all of that. It was kind of a game we came up with but I think it helped.

It felt like time went really fast with Gail, then I was on my way home again. Stopped at pt job briefly and worked there. Went to exercise class, which was a struggle because it was so hot, and the main teacher wasn't there, and the secondary teacher doesn't seem to know what to do with the new people, so we get kind of ignored. Then I went to work with a client that I'm not sure how I feel about, he seems nice and normal at the beginning and the end of the work session but somewhere in the middle he turns into a dick and it's uncomfortable. I felt like I survived that and I had a really weird feeling when I left, this client pays me a lot of money but, I was wondering if it was worth it in the end.

Tuesday I had grand plans to go to pt job in the morning, but of course that didn't work out. I was there for a snippet of time and then I had a client appointment, then went to the chiropractor and then to exercise class. Chiropractor was good and apparently my thyroid is swollen which may explain why I feel so tired and confused in general. He gave me some new medicine which I'm hoping will help. I have really tried to be committed to taking at least the pills for my vascular stuff and now the thyroid situation. After exercise class a bunch of us wanted to go to karaoke but when we got to the bar karaoke was canceled. So we went out to eat. Then one of the guys didn't have a place to stay and he had missed his bus so I said he could stay at my place. But I warned him that it was a wreck. He came back and slept here but I felt really ashamed and embarrassed at the state of my place. I often act like I am in the midst of purging and rearranging but the truth is I just live like this, in this wreck! The whole situation left me with a bad feeling. I mean I'm sure the guy felt glad he had a place to stay, but I just felt like he was probably judging my house. I would. I just really have a problem with feeling constantly overwhelmed with cleaning and organizing. It is not a strong suite for me and I don't know what to do about it. I was thinking I would really buckle down and start to do some cleaning even if it was a little at a time, like start in a corner or something. I have too many papers and things that I save and maybe I should just TOSS THEM...

Wednesday: physical therapy appointment, pt job, waiting a half hour for a meeting, which pissed me off, then dance class, which was tough. Thursday was a little better, kind of the same scenario: pt job, client appointment, grab dinner and dance class. Today I wanted to go to the beach but I just woke up so late. And I'm thinking maybe I should do my clean-up today and I'll go to the beach on Sunday instead.

Because living like this, and feeling shame about how I live, feels familiar in a way- like I have always felt a lot of shame about myself. And maybe it shows one way where I just feel out of control in my own existence. I often have dreams that I am struggling to gather and/or pack my things. Maybe it signifies just how chaotic my psyche is.

Wouldn't be surprised.

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~