Dear Diary,

Feeling a bit better now. Came home after that last entry and started cooking asap, so I'd be sure to eat something. I also ate a whole package of health food cookies afterward, but I guess that's just how it's going at the moment. At least if I get some adequate food in me before all the sweet, and the sweet is something better than straight white sugar, it is a minor victory at this point in my life.

I had invited a couple from my exercise class to come over. She said they would, so I set my alarm for 9:30am - it was hard to get up. So I just cleaned for about 5 hours straight, sweating up a storm, and they're still not here. I knew they'd be late but... now it's 3pm. To the untrained eye my place still looks crazy, I'm sure. But I did A LOT, including vaccuuming up at least 18 spiders and dusting a whole bunch and reorganizing in a major way, doing a bunch of handwash, changing the sheets, and more. For real. A place for everything and everything in it's place.

So it feels better in here and of course there is much more to be done, but I feel like I've earned a little sit-down. I seriously did not stop at any point in those hours. Wow!

Well even if they don't come by it's okay... it's worth it to get all this cleaning done, which I would never do just for myself. That is the sad part. I realize that for so many of us, our "straightening up" is motivated by shame, because someone is coming over. Sure, de-cluttering makes me feel better, but I struggle to just do it for that reason alone. I guess it would be best if I developed some kind of routine, even though there's very little structure. I was thinking I could dust every Tuesday after exercise class but sometimes we go out afterward till very late. Well, I'll try to figure out something.

I'm hungry... need to go eat. Then maybe I'll go lie in the sun. Maybe those people will show, maybe not!!

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