sigh and double sigh [ 2011-08-03, 2:40 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Monday I was in the most foul mood ever, just woke up feeling that way. World events have a hand in that. I think I should not look at the Internet first thing in the morning.

I did go to pt job for awhile, and then exercise class which helped a bit. Tuesday was very much the same story- I woke up extra early, was in the office a little after 8:30am. I think I will always try to go in early from now on since the rest of the staff doesn't come in till 10. I went to exercise class but had to leave early because I had a client appointment. Normally I would never sacrifice an evening of class like that, but the opportunity to work came up and I took it. Afterwards I went home and for some reason stayed up too late, past midnight- without really doing anything productive, either. No good reason for it- I think somewhere in my mind I feel like I deserve some indulgence... and that looks like watching shows and staying up late? But then I get in my bed and realize how tired I am and how indulgent it actually feels to go to bed.

Today I only hit the snooze alarm once, but it was slow going in general. I know if I had prepared myself better last night, I could have been out the door sooner. The bummer thing about this job- it sucks up so much time. I really don't know what happened to all the work that was pouring in in June, but it's not happening that way right now.

I hate the fact that they have hired two new people and one of them is sitting right behind me. I still have nothing to do and now it's really difficult to pretend I'm doing anything related to work. Another of my co-workers told me she is looking for another job because rather than pay her a few thousand dollars more, they hired two new people that technically the company can't even afford. Part of me wishes she would go before they try to build a desk space for the new girl, because then maybe they can combine jobs from the girl that is leaving. The owner will probably never do that though. He really doesn't seem to get that people are not that busy and we have so much staff. I think he just feels important to have so much staff.

I know that I spend way too much time complaining about this job and it is an energy drain. I just keep saying the same things about it. But with what everyone is saying about the economy, it seems crazy to quit an extra source of funds, particularly when I still have debt and am going on an expensive yoga retreat. I guess there is something to learn from all of it. I know I get so pissed at the owner and how he is not realistic about his finances. So I can look at myself and ask how am I not realistic about my own finances? I know I have debt which I feel I am addressing- but maybe I am not addressing it well enough. I have no savings. I pay all my bills every month. Maybe I travel too much? Maybe I am doing something wrong? I am really not sure. I am trying to find some balance in my life where it is not "all work". If I do nothing but work and go to Serena's class, I just feel angry and unhappy all the time. I really don't know. Big sigh. Even though I made big strides in paying on my credit card, the number is still not as low as I'd like it to be. Double sigh.

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