Yeah, so, not such a good job updating.

Something has definitely been happening with me. I went to the movies and out to eat with Bethany on her birthday. I worked at the pt job (barely). I went to my parents' house and stayed longer than I thought I would.

All this time I have been bingeing, for maybe over a month, maybe more. I gained back almost all the weight I lost. My face is puffy again. I don't look so well. I don't feel so well, always agitated and like I can't cope: hence the bingeing.

I finally take a big sigh and tell myself Duck, it's okay... we are going to address everything in order. Food is not the problem; the anxiety is the problem. Food is just the symptom. I called Callie in the hopes that she might be able to help. And I got the number for a hypnotist. And another doctor.

In any case, it's been rough. A lot of sadness, a lot of resistance.

I went to the lake last weekend. It was good, but I felt pretty tired the whole time. Everyone is partnered up now... all the younger people have boyfriends and girlfriends. G was there with the girl he is dating. I like her so, I can't be mad at anyone. They seem actually like a pretty good fit for awhile, although I find it difficult to imagine them longterm. But what do I know?

I went back to exercise class. It's good to move my body even though I know I am counteracting with all the bingeing.

Yoga retreat in one week... then back to Serena's class. Gia called me on the phone a week or so ago. I haven't heard from Thomas even though he wrote me an email at the beginning of the month promising to call. Something is really off but we aren't talking about it. I don't really want to reach out and fix it. I've already decided that if they don't want to be friends anymore I could live with that. I don't feel like struggling anymore.

Speaking of which, John wrote me an email that he was leaving the program at work, for whatever weird story he makes up about it. He has some ideas in his head which are not true and don't even make any sense. I've already corrected him many times but this time I just decided to let him go. I stopped correcting him. I get the feeling that he wants me to try to convince him. Instead I just wrote him an email saying I respect his decision. I feel like I have been struggling with him and his stupid tendency to make everything more difficult than it is, to make everyone else wrong, for YEARS. I know that I have helped to create that game and really I am ready to stop playing. John has been a quiet, but fierce source of drama for me... always a problem, always a problem, like a kid I need to put my attention on. Can you imagine if I had agreed to go out with him? How fucking irritating that would have been.

It strikes me that he is just another thing taking up space in my life. I saw Marianne at the lake and since she kicked Roc out of her house, I guess she met a guy online and she has been having a really good time with him. She announced that she finally met someone who knows how to give. I think to myself that maybe, somehow, John has just been taking up space in my life, pulling on me and perhaps even preventing me from having a boyfriend? And maybe if I get rid of him I can have something that feels better for myself.

As for Roc, he was at the weekend too. He has a new gf and he brought her along. She smokes and has tattoos, so I guess she's his perfect match. She also must not be bothered by the fact that he's not too smart. She brought along these kids that she babysits. Their mom had to give them up because she has drug problems, so they were in foster care and this guy adopted all three of them so they could live in the same house again. This girl- Roc's girl- is going on and on about how she raised these kids- that's the word she used- RAISED them... so I'm thinking that she must have been with them a long time, I ask her, how long have you been watching them? And she says, "A year and a half." Uh. Okay. Since they are like 11, 14 & 16 I think that means they were pretty full formed and technically she didn't RAISE them- to me that's a big claim to make. But maybe that makes her the perfect girl for Roc since he exaggerates and can't keep a story straight either!

That's it for now...

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