Dear Diary,

I just slept about 10 hours. It's been a very long week. Class with Serena on Monday, getting home late on Tuesday, back to work on Wednesday and Thursday. On Thursday my phone died- for good. On Friday I went back up to my parents' place to pay respects to my friend's family, her dad is the one that died. Something about grief must make one extremely tired.

And tired I am... I don't even feel like I have much to write about.

On Tuesday I did have a conversation with Gia that shed some light on things. I knew something was off with myself and Thomas and Gia all summer, but no one would tell me what it was. When Thomas picked me up on Sunday, he seemed normal again- even though we had that awkward phone conversation in July and he never thanked me for the t-shirt I sent him and never talked to him again all summer.

It wasn't until the day I was leaving that Gia brought up that we should all sit down and talk about some things, but Thomas had already left for work. So she told me mostly what was going on. One of the biggest things, I guess, is that Thomas is worried about money, and concerned that when I stay for long periods of time I don't give them enough money for the food that I eat. (Even though I did chip in money for food in June. AND, Gia basically had told me straight out that she feels that all the housework that I do more than makes up for the food I eat- but apparently Thomas doesn't feel that way). She also said some things suggesting, in a nice way, that we all try to get some needs met from others before getting together. I guess this is what Thomas meant by me being "needy" when I am there- so Gia was basically suggesting we all get our needs met elsewhere so we don't always trigger each other. I know she is not just talking about me either, that she means Thomas too. I'm not really sure if she has that insight into herself.

I guess there were maybe some other housekeeping desires but that's what I remember now. I know that Gia was trying really hard not to be hurtful and not to make me feel bad. I got the feeling that she really does want me there every month and not much about me really bothers her, but Thomas must have been complaining to her and she MADE him call me, because she was sick of him not taking any action or telling me about it. She kept on talking long after I felt I needed space just to figure out how I felt about what she was saying.

I know the thing about the neediness is right... something I needed to address for myself anyway. I mean I still don't have a boyfriend (after four years) and my neediness and hurt are probably a factor in that. Also therapy sessions cost money. I can do a few things but if I am in that area (where Gia and Thomas live) it requires working out transportation and whatnot to get those needs met. That means staying somewhere where I can either borrow a car or allow it to work out somehow.

Right now I'm not sure what exactly to do. I feel like I need more time and space away from Thomas. Maybe that is just my desire to run away. But I also sense that my other friends think I am ignoring them. I saw Nia and Lee briefly. Their kids are so big now... it was good to see them. Nia basically told me she is trying to figure out how she can leave Lee in a couple years. She has already given up on the marriage. Whenever she talks to me about it I have repeatedly told her that they should go to a therapist and talk to an objective third party. She said Lee would never do that and I said, well, if you told him you were considering leaving the marriage unless he did, he probably would." Then she said they didn't have the money to do therapy anyway. Since that time they have redone their whole backyard (leveled it off, took out trees, planted grass and installed a new fence) gotten a new TV and spent money on who knows what. They are that type of couple who say they have no money but are always making improvements on their house. I guess it's what one thinks is important- I'm sure they've spent a few thousand dollars on all that stuff that could have been funneled toward therapy. Otherwise, they will have all this nice stuff that they will only have to divide later on when their marriage breaks up.

But oh well, I've said my piece.

I guess I should go to work now at pt job, as much as I don't want to... but I have not a speck of rent money and don't really know how that's going to come about by the end of the week!

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